I’m thinking about my old self today, and its a bummer. I pulled out my honeymoon photo albums last night for some self-inflicted torture and I couldn’t believe what I saw. I hadn’t looked at them in a while, and now I know why. I was SO thin and looked SO happy. I could almost remember the feeling just by looking at those pictures. Yes, I know you can be happy and not thin, and you can be thin and not happy, but I was both on that trip. Why did I have to lose that? Why can’t I get it back? There have been glimpses here and there, but I’ve never truly been back to my happiest time. It wasn’t all about the glee of being a newlywed – although the groom was pretty perfect in my eyes. I was truly content with myself as a person, as a woman.
Where the hell did that go?
How am I ever going to get it back?
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
You know what it is for the most part? The worry. The constant worry. About our children and as our role as mom. Even when I go out with my friends, without the kids, I’m having a good time, but it’s not totally relaxing… I’m always thinking about the kids. Before kids, we are innocent and we are just enjoying life in the present. Now, we have the day to day worry and the future worry, the constant worry. My weight has gone up and down forever – even before kids – so, yes, while I am ‘happier’ when my clothes fit me right, the total relaxation, freedom… those things are kind of gone forever. Not to say that I’m not loving being a mom and enjoying every moment of it – it’s just, we have so much more to think about, things that consume us all the time, you know? Thanks for depressing me!
Kidding. Be happy. You are still the same girl, only with more on your mind now. How boring would your life be without your children? Think about that!
I wouldn`t trade my kids for anything – I live for them truth be told. Its not them, as I tell my husband, its just me. Not mommy me, but maria me that is trying to find her way back.
when you don’t put a picture of your current self up to compare, how are we supposed to?
I’m sure you look just as stunning. And Loukia’s right, life is just different now, not worse.
I know I should put up the real me picture now – I will at some point. I don`t think my life is worse – I would do nothing differently than I have done to this point (re: marriage, children, etc) – but my regrets are with myself and the fact that I`ve taken care of everything and everyone but myself!
Acknowledging it is the first step. Time to take care of yourself. I know it’s so corny and cliche, but you really need to take care of yourself to be able to do it right for those you love.
I agree with you 100%, but for some reason, it keeps getting lost in the translation.
Oh, honey. That is exactly why I try to avoid looking back at photos. I get upset when I realize how much things have changes (both good and bad).
You wanna talk about depressing – I had some artistic nude photos taken for my hubby for our 1st anniversary. We’ve been married 7 years now and I don’t look anything like that anymore. I used to have them hanging beside the treadmill – but that just made me more depressed. So, I sold the treadmill instead.
That sounds exactly like something I would do!! Thanks so much for checking out my blog!!
Hmmm…I think of my “old self” often in comparison to my new self… a.k.a MOMMY! The only thing I know is that life’s a journey and when your kids start to become more self sufficient down the road…you’ll begin to regain your old self back again. And when it happens bit by bit…it is hugely exciting!
Thanks so much for your encouragement – I really appreciate it!!
Girl, I hear ya. I look back at old photos and almost cringe. It’s too bad we can’t bring back our past figures. Only thing to do now is move forward – I’m sure we’ll both find our way!
I`m sure we will too!!
LOL @ Neena!
I hear ya! I’ve written about it before, too.
I like to think back on my old life with more nostalgia than longing. I had a lot of crazy shit going on back then, too, that I don’t now. It’s a tough balance – this knowing your past and not knowing your present as well.
It’s all a trade off. When you’re 80, you’ll probably be saying the same thing about you now.
Well, now you know you are not alone in feeling that way. Obviously we all struggle with it, and at different times.
For me, it is all about attitude and outlook. I’ll never look/feel/act the same way now as I did when I was young, newly in love, and child free. So I’ve got to work on finding me in my life now. Those essential qualities are still there, but maybe they manifest in a different way. Don’t wait for the kids to get older. Try to find snatches of time that let you remember who you were and start to figure out how to get that back.
And hey, keep talking about it, because we all like to talk about it, obviously.
Thanks Nicole!
I’m looking for the “old me” too….maybe we can help each other find them !!!
I`m all for that!!!
I got married in 2000, also. Dare me to post pics??
Yes – let`s see some pics!!!
Your post really hit home. I wanted to have a baby for so many years, and now I finally have one. Even though he is the love of my life and I am adoring every minute, I am NOT the same person. It’s a little weird and sad. Trying to find myself as a mom…
My husband always thinks that when I talk about losing myself I`m somehow saying that I don`t love being a mom, but he doesn`t totally understand that those things can be separate. I`m not JUST a mom – I`m still my own person and only part of that is being a mom. That said, I ADORE my children, and wouldn`t have it any other way – but I feel incomplete as a woman.
my love… you are who you are… regardless of size… at your core, you know who you are… and if you are in search of that person again, i wish you all the best. you are beautiful and inspirational.
I think all of us have been where you are, or are still there, or are a work in progress. I think we inflict so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect mothers that we lose ourselves in the process. You are beautiful, and you will get back to where you want to be. It just takes time. Hang in there!
ps- i added your sweet ass to my blogroll. so there.
YAY – Thank you !!!
I definitely empathize. I struggle with it often. But when I look at the old photos I see a different person living a totally different life. Somehow we just have to learn to love the life we’re in right now… just haven’t figured out how to do that yet.
I did that the other day. I took out some of my old pictures to show daughter that she looks like me. She responded with “That’s not you, she’s skinny”. Okay that was my wake up call, so I’ve been hitting the snooze button for awhile now. Leave it to kids to tell us the ugly truth and they don’t hold back.
I agree with one losing themselves when they become a parent. I think majority of it affects women though. Hubby is still the same little kid he was when I met him. Me on the other hand, hmmm. I think we get so settled in the “Mommy role”, “Honey role” and even “Boss lady”( when I use to work) that we lose track of our own identity. Now don’t get me wrong I love the life I’ve had (for the most part). I love doing things for my family, it’s just taking time for myself is rare to do. Hubby doesn’t make that easy with him deploying every year, on the other hand it’s a vacation from him. This past December I decided to take myself back and get a whole new me. I’m starting to dress up more( I’m kinda the t-shirt and jeans girl), wear make up more often and do my hair more. Not that I’m a hot mess. Just trying to make myself feel better. I’m even thinking of going out in the evenings for drinks maybe I’ll even take Hubby with me(maybe). I can realte.
I’m going through the exact same thing. I have faith we will all find our way to who we want to be; a mix of all the best parts of the old and the new.
BTW Maria, your hubby is HOT!
I know right? He is hot and I used to be cute (of course I didn’t think so at the time). But we used to match, and now he’s still cute, and I’m this unhappy blob that tries to hide behind him.