Interview: The True Hollywood Story – Part One

I’ve been meaning to interview my best girl for a long time, but things got busy for awhile. So, without further ADO, here is my interview with my former, young thin self (circa August 2001).

Old Jaded Self: First, the question everyone wants answered. Why would you date a guy who bathed in dirty-family bath water?

Current Jaded Self: Well, let me clarify that I had NO idea that he did that until the end of the relationship. Once I knew, I ran screaming in the opposite direction. Plus, I never really got over the whole socks-with-Birkenstocks fashion statement he insisted on. I tried to overlook it, but once you figure in dirty bath water, birks and overly weepy, well I would just like to give my former self a kick in the teeth if you don’t mind.

Old Jaded Self: I would too actually. Moving on, what’s it like to be a fatty now??

Current Jaded Self: Wow. You are still the sweetie I remember. Being a fatty sucks the big titty if I’m to be totally  honest, and who am I if I’m not brutally honest. Its really taken a toll on my fashion sense.

Old Jaded Self: What fashion sense? Seriously honey, its time to buy some clothes that don’t make you look homeless – but that’s just my opinion.

Current Jaded Self: I thought this was an interview?

OJS: It is biatch. OK, next question, How can you STILL be afraid of bugs? I mean seriously, its been YEARS. You should be over it already – you have bigger things to worry about – like your reflection in the mirror.

CJS: Listen 140, I will always be afraid of bugs, and until they choose to jump into the toilet and flush themselves, that will never change. Oh, and about my reflection – its easy, I simply avoid mirrors and all reflective surfaces. If you read this damn blog, you would know that.

OJS: I would rather read my gossip sites thanks. So, I hear you’re still married. How did that happen?

CJS: You are a delight! Yes I’m still married; nine years next month actually. And it happened because I have him shackled to the homestead. Oh, and because he LOVES me – although that is not a direct quote. He may have mentioned something about being afraid of my father, but its all the same thing.

OJS: Sadly, part one of this interview is almost over and by sadly, I really mean thankfully. Last question, what is your issue with Jeffrey Dean Morgan? Seriously, you mention the guy all the time, and you were a teenager EONS ago. Isn’t it time to focus on recipes and crafts and crap like that?

CJS: Listen honey, the only thing I have to say about this is that his dimples speak for themselves. And if you’ve seen P.S. I Love You, which you will in about 8 years, you will then truly appreciate how delightful he truly is. He kicks George Clooney’s ass.

OJS: Well, I see we are still hallucinating. Thanks so much future me for the chittychat – let’s do this again. I’ll need awhile to come up with something interesting to ask you since your life is so BO-RING, but I’m sure it will happen at some point.

CJS: Its been real. Real painful.

Tagged as: bugs, Interview, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, self interview