Aug
10

Interview: The True Hollywood Story – Part One

by MARIA on August 10, 2009

I’ve been meaning to interview my best girl for a long time, but things got busy for awhile. So, without further ADO, here is my interview with my former, young thin self (circa August 2001).

Old Jaded Self: First, the question everyone wants answered. Why would you date a guy who bathed in dirty-family bath water?

Current Jaded Self: Well, let me clarify that I had NO idea that he did that until the end of the relationship. Once I knew, I ran screaming in the opposite direction. Plus, I never really got over the whole socks-with-Birkenstocks fashion statement he insisted on. I tried to overlook it, but once you figure in dirty bath water, birks and overly weepy, well I would just like to give my former self a kick in the teeth if you don’t mind.

Old Jaded Self: I would too actually. Moving on, what’s it like to be a fatty now??

Current Jaded Self: Wow. You are still the sweetie I remember. Being a fatty sucks the big titty if I’m to be totally  honest, and who am I if I’m not brutally honest. Its really taken a toll on my fashion sense.

Old Jaded Self: What fashion sense? Seriously honey, its time to buy some clothes that don’t make you look homeless – but that’s just my opinion.

Current Jaded Self: I thought this was an interview?

OJS: It is biatch. OK, next question, How can you STILL be afraid of bugs? I mean seriously, its been YEARS. You should be over it already – you have bigger things to worry about – like your reflection in the mirror.

CJS: Listen 140, I will always be afraid of bugs, and until they choose to jump into the toilet and flush themselves, that will never change. Oh, and about my reflection – its easy, I simply avoid mirrors and all reflective surfaces. If you read this damn blog, you would know that.

OJS: I would rather read my gossip sites thanks. So, I hear you’re still married. How did that happen?

CJS: You are a delight! Yes I’m still married; nine years next month actually. And it happened because I have him shackled to the homestead. Oh, and because he LOVES me – although that is not a direct quote. He may have mentioned something about being afraid of my father, but its all the same thing.

OJS: Sadly, part one of this interview is almost over and by sadly, I really mean thankfully. Last question, what is your issue with Jeffrey Dean Morgan? Seriously, you mention the guy all the time, and you were a teenager EONS ago. Isn’t it time to focus on recipes and crafts and crap like that?

CJS: Listen honey, the only thing I have to say about this is that his dimples speak for themselves. And if you’ve seen P.S. I Love You, which you will in about 8 years, you will then truly appreciate how delightful he truly is. He kicks George Clooney’s ass.

OJS: Well, I see we are still hallucinating. Thanks so much future me for the chittychat – let’s do this again. I’ll need awhile to come up with something interesting to ask you since your life is so BO-RING, but I’m sure it will happen at some point.

CJS: Its been real. Real painful.

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Ali August 10, 2009 at 1:27 pm

If I hadn’t said it before, let me say it now…You are ABSOLUTELY HySTERical!!! I love your humor!

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2 Karen August 10, 2009 at 1:56 pm

Your too funny, love it!!!

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3 Loukia August 10, 2009 at 1:59 pm

Oh Maria, this was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! You are so damn funny. I love it! You’re so talented.

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4 Candice August 10, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Love it! Can’t wait for the next installment. :)

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5 Shannon @ AnchorMommy August 10, 2009 at 4:39 pm

You are too funny — this is great!!!!!!! I think your Old Jaded Self would get along quite nicely with mine. ;-)

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6 Jaded Perspective August 10, 2009 at 4:39 pm

You’re crazy! Hahahaha!

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7 Natalie August 10, 2009 at 4:52 pm

Cute post Maria! I like both your “selves” ;-)

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8 Erin August 10, 2009 at 6:26 pm

Hilarious!
I admit, I haven’t been here for awhile.
I’m afraid of anything to do with fat loss.. I support you and all that. I’m just afraid.
How old are your kids?

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9 Maria August 10, 2009 at 6:47 pm

They are almost 6 and almost 3 and to be honest most of the posts have nothing to do with weight loss, so feel free to check them out – worry free!

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10 Elaine August 10, 2009 at 6:37 pm

I hate to say this but your old self was kinda b*tchy. Good thing this time you’ll be skinny AND nice! ; )

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11 Sandy August 10, 2009 at 8:17 pm

This is hilarious! What a great idea. I love your new design.

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12 Alexandra August 11, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Can’t remember how I found you, but you are HILARIOUS!!! LOVED this. Thanks for the laughs…you are awesome!

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13 Maria August 11, 2009 at 4:12 pm

THANK YOU!!!

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