I know I’m late with my answer blog that I promised for Monday, but I really need some help from some other mommies out there. Any advice or experience you can share regarding these two issues would be fantastic. I have a couple of questions I need help with:
1. What have you done in order to toilet train your little people overnight? My little man was totally trained with zero issues, until he was sick on one occasion, months ago. After that, well, it hasn’t happened since (AT NIGHT – HE IS 100% TOILET TRAINED DURING THE DAY). We are using pullups in the meantime, but not sure what I can do to get past this stage. (I should mention that he is 5 and has been toilet trained for 2 years at this point). HELP!!
2. Another issue I’m having is how to help my little people make better choices when upset or angry. When they get frustrated, I want them to use their words, or walk away or whatever – instead of hitting, pushing, etc. Do you have any suggestions or perhaps books that I could read to help me help them. Its not a major issue right now, but I want to nip it so that it doesn’t become one.
I would LOVE and APPRECIATE your advice, suggestions whether from personal experience, or something that you may have read. THANKS EVERYONE!!!
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
My two cents…
Potty training is about control. The more you care, the more they realize they hold the power. He’ll get it, don’t worry. Relapses are normal. Try replicating the conditions under which he was interested last time, but he’s gotta do it because he wants to.
T. Berry Brazelton’s books on Touchpoints and discipline have been most helpful for me. It really seems to come down to positive vs. negative reinforcement. That said, positive reinforcement and routine and consistency takes so much energy and focus that it’s so easy for me to slip into threat and punishment mode. I’ve had to pick my battles and exiled the 5YO to her room (physically in more than a few cases) to make my point, but wer’re getting there.
Hang in there. Hopefully it gets better soon.
As far as potty training goes, we usually listen for the one cry, It happens the same time every night and we get him up and stand him in front of the toilet. He doesn’t get himself up and won’t admit he has to pee, but he does it. We’ve had dry underwear in the morning for months. He’s 3.5 so we don’t really expect him to get up by himself yet, but it works for us.
When it comes to teaching your children to make better choices when upset or angry, modelling good behaviour can go a long way. When you’re angry or upset about something, let them know – and show them what you’re doing about it (walking away, taking a few minutes by yourself).
Also, when my little one is in the midst of an upset, I will stop her and talk her through it – ask what she is feeling, come up with ideas together about what she can do about that upset that is positive.
It sometimes takes a bit of work, but in the end it’s worth it. Both of my girls ( 4 and 6 ) are very good at using their words and behaving appropriately. They occasionally still do have “meltdowns”, but they are few and far between.
Good luck…!
We found that, though all three were different, our kids responded best to an absence of fuss over the potty training. Quiet encouragement and zero stress. In moments where we wondered if we’d make it through, we’d just remind ourselves that there are few teenagers walking around wearing pullups
.
Encouraging anger management was trickier – again each of our kids was different. But one thing worked amazingly well: I got our (then four year old) daughter to draw pictures when she was feeling angry. This naturally segued into drawing pictures before frustrations boiled over, and eventually evolved into dialogue. It opened the door to self reflection, discussion and conflict resolution, and we got some great art out of it XD.
Im probably not the one to ask as I skipped pullups and spent a weekend with my daughter peeing herself…until she didnt.
(and yes. it took more than a weekend)
GOOD LUCK and feel free to email me if you want.
I have no advice for the potty-training issue, sorry–I haven’t got any comparable experience to share. But with the anger issues, yeah–we deal with that regularly. My son is the sweetest boy known to humankind, until he gets angry, and then he gets ANNNNNGRY. He started having absolutely scary temper tantrums around 18 months; he apparently just has a terrible temper (he’s 3 now). One thing we always do is help him acknowledge that he’s angry–give him words to say. “You’re mad, aren’t you?” Sometimes kids forget that they can just scream “I’m MAD!” when they’re mad. We also try not to do the automatic thing–”Don’t be angry!” Even if it’s uncomfortable for us to have this red-eyed monster rolling around on the floor and clenching his teeth at us, it’s far better to let him just be angry without any judgement or negative reaction. And finally, we give him “safe zones” to express his anger physically. He can’t hit any person or animal in the house, but he’s allowed to hit pillows, the couch, or his bed. Sometimes these things help, and sometimes they don’t, but they are better than the direction we were heading in, which might have meant serious injuries to one or both our kids.
1. Both comments so far re: potty training sound about right to me. Obviously, I haven’t hit this stage, yet, but developmentally setting up little ones for success is pretty much a win-win. If you know the time of night he’s wetting that’s a big first step. You can set your alarm each night to get him up and have him pee before he wets the bed. Change him into regular undies so he can feel the wetness (PullUps keep the hot/wet sensation away, so he probably isn’t bothered that much by it). Also, possibly no water/drinks after a certain hour of the evening.
2. I’m reading Natural Family Living right now and it’s chock full of ideas. PhD in Parenting’s library is also a great resource of info.
Hands are Not for Hitting is a good book. And re potty training, if your kid is 5, my suggestion would be to nix the pull-ups altogether and go cold turkey. He’ll be embarrassed about having accidents so he’ll stop. It may be more powerful than any work you can do to help him.
Just one added note on the potty training, sometimes, especially with boys, their little bodies grow and their bladders don’t. My little bros had this problem, toilet trained them once they hit 5-6 they started wetting.
Watch what he drinks, water only after 6pm- we do milk with dinner then water after that. Like Tricia said find that time they might be wetting, listen for the cry and toilet. If you are not catching it try setting an alarm and toilet in the night or early morning. Be patient and if it persist talk to Dr. Don’t dismiss as just behavior it could be more.
As for hitting and pushing if you find the “cure” let me know.
Hello, I agree with the potty training above… normal to relapse and he will get it again. May the patient gods be with you.
About the anger, help him to label the emotion… “you’re feeling angry?” then say something like, “it’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok to hurt anybody or anything because you are angry.” Modelling how to handle anger is one very good way of showing him how to get over it.
At a young age they are creating new neural pathways all the time and how we teach them to handle situations will become a pattern for a vast majority of their lives. Allowing him to express anger in safe spots is a good idea and then also teaching him how to calm down as a coping skill is another thing to try. He may not always be able to ‘express’ it and will then have to use another skill to get it out.
I’ve sat with my son and asked him to breathe deeply in and out a few times. I’ve gone for a walk with him until he feels better or asked him if he needs time alone so that he can recover from his outburst with his dignity in tact. I’ve also modeled for him that when I’m angry I stop talking and take a few minutes for myself – that way I avoid saying terrible things too. (well most of the time!)
Rather out than in… keep us updated on what works for you!
Good luck
x
We had that bathroom problem with our son until we figured out that if we took him to the bathroom before we went to bed (we called him “Noodle Man” since his whole body was as limp as a wet noodle – totally asleep the whole time!) and had him pee. We did this for about 4-6 months before we noticed that he automatically got up right before we went to bed to go by himself. This also stopped the nightmares he was having before we figured out the trick – go figure (maybe they were dreams about waterfalls??!).
it is really, really common for little boys to struggle with night time accidents; their little bodies grow faster than their bladders. Talk to your pediatrician; this is normal. Yes, it is frustraiting esp since he was trained until he got ill, but it is still well within normal. Don’t pressure him or stress him, it could make it worse. My youngest brother wet the bed nightly until he was 12. My other brother didn’t. Check out the “good nites” nite-time “diapers” for big kids…it may help.
and about the beh./anger….
my child rarely gets angry; he is happy-go-lucky by nature (much more than I am!) but the few times he has been angry, we’ve found that just making him laugh in someway gets him to relax and then become reasonable and willing to hear instructions/ask for help/use his words. But you have to do that when you see the tension building and not wait for it to erupt in to a violent outburst.
On potty training: All I can say is about my kid who has Down syndrome: none of the one-day things worked. Period. It’s taking time & patience, but it’s going. So I’d be careful -don’t always believe that the 1 day thing works in EVERY situation.
On kid frustration: I’m not a huge fan of positive parenting anymore, but I did learn this trick that works on my kids. Get down on her level. Gently pull her out of whatever is upsetting her. Ask her to breath and show her how (“fill your belly then puff out”). Make it fun, blow air in her face. Do this THREE times-this is important. I also have her say “help me God”-pick your mantra. Once she is calm, then you can face the issue and find a solution. Amelia was hitting and getting aggressive and this WORKED. Years later, if I tell her to calm down, she starts breathing and saying “help me God”.
Good luck!!
Night training can take a long time. Let him wear a pullup or diaper at night and don’t worry about it. My kids had accidents for quite a while, but eventually they outgrew it. You can wake him up and make him go potty before you go to bed at night, just to try to empty his bladder.
Our five-year-old daughter still wets every night in bed, so I totally feel your frustration. We’ve tried lots of different things but nothing seems to work — it seems she just sleeps too deeply to be aware of her need to pee (most of the time, she sleeps right through and can’t even tell us in the morning if she has wet the bed until she feels her PJs with her hand). We’ve tried just taking away the pullups, but then I was changing the sheets every day and got tired, so we just went back to it.
The only thing I’ve heard of that works for others is waking your kid up at night, but that has never worked for us — she is usually too tired to produce pee, and we always wind up just missing it, and GAH GAH GAH, frustration.
I know it must be extra hard when he was trained, and now has gone back. But after a year of trying everything known to man, and stressing out about this a LOT, we’ve decided to get more zen and just keep going with pullups and wait for her to mature a bit more.
Two ways I have heard from friends of potty training overnight. One put your kid in underwear and live in the kitchen and backyard unil there are no accidents. And the other way was to buy some super special underwear, batman, trucks, or whatever the current obsession is. The undies can only be worn if they are clean.
My sis has an extremely strong willed child and i can’t remember what book she read. She told her daughter to have her meltdown in another room and ome back when she was done and then ask with words. It helped some. They used to read books about feelings and talk about it when they were both calm.
We are working everyday with my 7 year old on anger management and have been since he was a toddler. We put him in karate at age 3. Karate really helped him to develop self control, discipline, body awareness and also allowed him a place where his “loudness” was positive. The book, “How to Take the Grrrrr out of Anger” was really helpful too. Good luck.
The best advice I can give about anger management is to set a good example. I find that any situation is worse if I react badly. I really believe in the 1-2-3 Magic philosophy of speaking calmly, not raising your voice and not giving the sense that you are annoyed.
Having said that, of course they will still want to react and get upset about certain things. When it happens, I try to separate the girl from the problem (ask her to put the frustrating toy down, or stop doing whatever it is that is bugging her.) We also tell her to take a deep breath when she gets angry. She tries and it doesn’t necessarily calm her down, but it does force her to count to 3 before resuming what she was doing. Finally, we remind her that everyone gets frustrated and angry, and that’s ok and that we’re here to help her figure it out.
She still screams. She has thrown things. She yells in anger. But they are kids and will learn…We all slip up, too!
Sorry – no good advice at the moment other than to say that being dry at night is not something you can “train” or “push”. My 5 year old is also still in pull-ups.
I’m sorry I didn’t read the other comments so I am probably saying the same thing someone else has. With my 3 yo son he has been 100% day time trained for a long time, but was not even trying at night. Finally a few weeks ago I just stopped buying the pull-ups and told him that he was a big enough boy to go without them. I made sure that he went right before going to bed at the normal time and then around midnight I would go in and get him up to use the bathroom and put him back to bed. That lasted about a week and a half and then he started getting himself up. He has had maybe two or three accidents is all. I found the pull-ups made him not even try. Good luck!
Hmm the overnight thing is tough. We only used pullups for two nights after Christos was toilet trained and that happened right when he turned 3 years old. He has wet the bed a few times – like, only a handful of times – and it sucks changing the sheets in the middle of the night! You know what we do? When my husband comes up to bed, usually hours after Christos has fallen asleep, he will actually go wake him, carry him to the bathroom, and get him to pee. He always pees, and then falls RIGHT back asleep. It works excellent! Try that, if you’re not too scared about waking him up in the middle of the night. Good luck!
As for the second question, no clue. My oldest son sometimes hits his baby brother, and yells and cries if he doesn’t get his way. His baby brother loves to copy everything his older brother does, so, you see, I’m not so sure either!
Good luck with that!
I think the Pull-ups delay the nighttime training. They keep the child comfortable when they should be feeling the uncomfortable wetness. Get a nice bed pad that is cloth on one side and PUL on the other. It saves sheets, while allowing the child to feel it when they wet the bed. Of course, you still have the wet PJ and bed pad laundry, but it’s much easier than changing the sheets.
Potty training – Wake up and go potty with him. A good time is 12:00am. I don’t wake up often at night, so I would set my alarm, wake him up and go.
- Wake him up or carry him to the potty.
- Ask him to go potty
- Then mommy goes potty
- If he didn’t go the first time, ask him if he wants to go again. (Usually, they do!)
After a couple of nights, there will not be a need to wake him up fully. Slightly tap him, ask him if he wants to go potty.
Remember, our bodies catch routines fast! I would do 12:00 am and if said he didn’t need to go I would ask him again later on in the morning around 6:00 am. Also, I highly recommend a motion senser night light in the bathroom. This will help by (a) too much light makes it harder to fall asleep (b) make it easier for him to go by himself in the middle of the night with no need of mommy.
This worked for me fast! I never used pull ups. It’s like everything else, tough in the beginning, easy in the long run!
isela.cervantes@hotmail.com
With potty training, the thing that worked best for my boys was cutting off liquids 2 hours before bed.
As for question number two, consistency is key. Kids will push boundaries and limits all the while wanting those same limits and boundaries to be the same every time.
The potty training issue MAY also have to do with him starting school. Ben was REALLY hard to train and he even digressed a little when we moved. A lot of times big changes in their lives cause issues with PT. Ben also did this for a little bit back when he was 4, almost 5 and it was just a little phase that he went through. I never did go back to pull ups though, I just let him be wet and yes, it’s hassle but I think he finally got tired of getting up and changing his underwear, etc. So maybe get rid of the pull ups? Just an idea…
For night time toilet training watch how much liquid intake they have before bed. If you got o underwear at night make sure you have a protective matress covet that is plastic top so if they do wet the bed that the matress will be protected.
Or kee up with Pull ups as they will protect the bed.
Or another thing is wait a few hours and wake him up to go the washroom.
Whatever you choose to do i wish you both luck in this as it can be tough for the both of yous.
With kids geting upset and how to deal with it can be hard also. As my son likes to scream crying and i try to keep my normal tone sometimes with him. Somtimes trying to get them to tell you what the problem is can work as they should talk in there normal voice and not scream.
Again good luck.
All i can say is for both it is about having patients and telling them whan they have done a good job.
Dealing with anger when your child is healthy and developmentally on target is often a question of modelling appropriate behaviour and language for them. They simply don’t have the words or life experiences to deal with anger and big emotions yet, so I try to think about helping them through understanding the emotion. “Wow. It looks like you are really feeling angry/ frustrated/disappointed etc. Do you want to talk about it?” Often, in kids, anger and sadness are intertwined too so it helps to stop and get yourself all calm and regulated first and think could there be a sad piece to this outburst. Psychologists and parenting experts will tell you it’s easier for a child to show anger than sadness, so often they mask the hard emotion (sad) with the outburst (angry). To be sad is to be vulnerable, right?
One night my daughter was just violently angry and really challenging to deal with, hitting etc.. and finally remembering this and after I had tried much other stuff, I stopped and said, “Wow. I am wondering if you are really sad about something?” She was four at the time. “I am sad because you left me at school. I missed you,” she said and started crying. And then I was able to hold her and say I missed you too and we solved her behaviour problem.
Ok, my two cents:
On the potty training front she should try waking him up once a night and having him use the bathroom. If he goes to bed fairly early she can probably just do it right before she goes to bed. It is how my mom got both my younger siblings to stop having night time accidents. Basically they were barely awake when she’d take them to the potty and they’d go right back to sleep.
On the issue of stopping the violence. I use the love and logic method. When Jezi gets really overwrought over something I use a code phrase (ours is oh, that realy sucks…i think you need some time alone until you’re ready to be sweet again…but you can use just about anything….uh oh, oh no, that’s a bummer, etc.) The trick is to use the code phrase and escort them to their room and then let them have that quiet time. Of course stay close by so that they are safe. Just stay out of sight. Let them throw their tantrum and get the anger out of their system. Once they are calm give them a hug and kiss and tell them you love them. Then only talk about what happened if they need to talk. Don’t force them to apologize or rehash it, that will just cause more upset. The reason this works is because it’s not really a punishment or a time out. It’s just removing them from the situtation for a few minutes so they can have a safe place to yell, scream, cry, ect. It teaches them that it’s okay to get angry and express emotions, but it’s not ok to attack others because you’re upset (verbally or physically). It also teaches them that certain behavior is not appropriate around others. You can get more information by visiting the love and logic website and you can get books and cds and stuff and they are targeted to specific age groups. I absolutely love this system. It’s a great way to teach your children responsibility without corpreal punishment.
Hope this was helpful.
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