The lovely Jill over at Scary Mommy has a contest going on: The Search for a Scary Mommy. I don’t know if I’m the scariest mommy, but I definitely have some scary mommy qualities.
1. I hate playgroups and playdates, so I avoid them like the plague.
2. I’m hoping I will one day win the lottery so I can hire a full-time chef, because mealtimes are worse than the bitchiest cramps I’ve ever had.
3. When my kids are sick, I daydream back about 7 years to try to remember the days when the only vomit I feared was my own.
4. Sometimes, when my last nerve is about to snap, and my children are making my ears bleed, I will hide just so I can scream, “SHUT UP!!” into a pillow.
5. Those days of never leaving the house without makeup and hair done, and the hot outfit on, ARE OVER! I’m lucky if I get out the door and my teeth have been brushed (I have mints in the car!!!)
6. I have perfected the DEATH STARE that stops my kids dead in their tracks. Actually, it doesn’t do anything more than hurt my own eyeballs anymore; so I’ve moved on to the “loud voice” accompanied with my dragon breathing.
7. I’m not a nature/camping/hiking mom so when daddy suggests these silly things, I convince my children that they would much rather do something else, like play the Wii or have a coffee break with me at Starbucks. It usually works. I’ve said it before – STARBUCKS SAVES!!
8. I have had to result to threatening the little people with the “BABOULA” – this is the Greek equivalent to a monster/boogeyman I suppose. Don’t judge – you’ve been desperate before I’m sure. Funny enough, my daughter now associates the BABOULA with my dad (her pappou) so its kind of hilarious. She always looks at him and waits for him to smile, before she’ll approach him.
9. I HATE DRIVING A MINIVAN MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!
10. I am bored….often. I love my kids, love being with them (most of the time), but sometimes I would rather pull my hair out than play another board game. (Enter DADDY!)
11. Dora makes me violent.
12. Bathtime cannot end soon enough – hence why it’s not necessarily a nightly ritual. Do as the Europeans do I say.
See. Not that scary.
Actually, by making this list, I’ve realized that there are things about my momminess that isn’t scary at all:
- My kids are very well-behaved and polite in social situations (most of the time).
- My kids adore each other, and protect each other, and really get along (most of the time).
- My kids don’t eat hotdogs, or candy, or soda and never will (I hope).
- I ALWAYS put my kids first – always – to a fault. Unless I’m desperate for a coffee, then get out of the way children because Mommy needs Starbucks.
- Despite the vomit and germ phobia, I never let that get in the way of taking care of the little people. Mainly because I’m usually the only one that is around when they get sick.
- My kids can sing entire songs by ABBA, Madonna, The Beatles, Kelly Clarkson, and the list goes on and on. I find that their little people lisps really add the character that this music is often missing.
In the end though, first and foremost, I’m a mommy, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
You know what I say? Perfect Mommies are BORING!!!
SCARY MOMMIES UNITE!!
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LOVE this Maria! Excellent, excellent post! By the way, we called him ‘Mamouta’ “Loukia, eat your spanakoriso or the mamouta is coming!” Yup… I used to be scared into eating! Hahaha! Your kids are awesome, regarless of whether you are a Scary Mommy or not!
It sounds like we graduated from the same School of Mommying.
I’m cool with that.
LOL… I hate kid vomit. I’ve been known to make my kids camp out in the bathroom when they are sick. Yes, I know that is mean. I also have the look. The look that means straighted your ass up or else. I’m not ashamed of it either.
However, I love driving a minivan but would rather have a huge SUV.
Someday’s it is good to be the scary mom—this I know!
That was great! I loved that list. My kids would totally say i’m a scary mommy. Except when they want something….then i’m the best/nicest mommy ever!
I don’t think I can convey to you how hard I am laughing right now. I could have written this post. I pretty much fell over on #6 and #11. For real. I so get that. Oh, and my kids are wanna be Europeans also.
You and Lou with the friggin’ Starbucks…
Love the list. You pale in comparison to some truly Scary Mommies though!
You are NOT a ScaryMommy. You are right about so many things. Mostly? Starbucks DOES SAVE!! I love that your little ones sing all the hits! How precious! Great post!!!
The fact that your kids can sing ABBA makes you my hero.
Oh, and Starbucks really needs to be a food group.
Wait. Starbucks isn’t a food group? Crap!
Dora makes me crazy. Caillou makes me violent.
Great list Maria!!
I don’t think you’re a scary mommy. If you are then I am too. I’m so with you on #2 on the list. 
Ok … I have actually screamed “shut up” before! My kids stopped right away and stared right at me as if I’d said the “f” word — “MOMMY you said a bad bad bad word” … I was in trouble with them all day long! BUT it worked so I’m reserving it for future use. I’m probably a pretty scary mommy!
hilarous
Yeah, bathing is not a nightly occurrence around here either. Even now that my two girls can shower on their own.
I get bored too. I hate CandyLand and pointless games like that. I need to think. I read too much for myself and not enough to my children.
I do like camping though.
I have a much stronger stomach than I realized. Husband is a sympathetic puker, so I have to handle all the vomit in the house. Gross.
Great post – and as always, so funny and true. The DEATH STARE is the best – haha! Whenever I do it on my kids, I’m trying so hard not to laugh. I’m joining the Scary Mommy Club.
You and I are very similar in our mommy-ness. Except I never thought of using a pillow to cover my mouth and scream SHUT-UP! No, I just go right ahead and do it out loud. Ugh. I hate that.
i agree with most… esp #8 and #11.. Good post!
I think I can picture your death stare and I’d be pretty scared too!
Although I have to say, you don’t sound all that scary to me…
And btw, I can’t wait to get my minivan. We are outta room in my CR-V!!
The days when the whining is the worst, I have been known to do #4. In the closet.
Reading that, I’d say you are an awesome mommy!
Awesome, awesome post. I think you ARE the scariest Scary Mommy. I know I’m afraid of you, ha ha.
Seriously, though, I think we have ALL felt these things (anyone who denies it is lying). Motherhood is a beautiful and treacherous path.
ha ha ha!!! This is soooooo true for many of us. Good for you, scary mommy!! (O:
Wow I’d be scared of you if you were my mom. Just kidding.
Great post and very funny!
Damn right perfect mommies are boring!!! You had me on the floor with Baboula – my parents scared me as a kid with the “MooMoo” living in dark corners of the basement or closet… scarred me for life. Gosh I wish my kids would stop dead in their tracks with my death stare…instead they grin and run off. arrgh!!
I look scary right now. LOL
There is nothing wrong with being scary. Especially when the outcome is a happy family and fabulous kids.
I’ll say it again: I know I could never have Munchausen by proxy syndrome because I think sick kids are freakin’ annoying.
I am wit you on sick kids-except I like the whole napping in the middle of the day thing.
I am with you on 2, 3, 6, 7, and 10! With #3 being my top one. Anytime my daughter even makes the slightest retching sound (even if she’s just clearing her throat) I beg her not to puke. As if she can control it.
YEAH FOR SCARY MOMMIES!
Maria-you are hilarious. If this is what being a “scary mommy” entails…sign me up because I fit most of the qualifications.
Playdates, playgroups & minivans. I hear you. Why is it that Jimmy can’t just call up Bobby and the other mommy can drive him over? Why do we ALL have to be involved? Nobody trusts each other anymore, or something. I’m not sure why it started, but it makes me all kinds of crazy to have to “date” another parent just so our kids can play together.
And minivans? Unfortunately I am stuck with mine for a wee bit longer and, while I loved it in the beginning, I now resent everything it stands for EVEN IF it is convenient from time to time.
Gah, I hate hate hate my minivan. Can’t wait to trade it in. When does that happen?
aren’t we all scary sometimes?
i stopped at the gas station on the way to the gym this morning to buy gum. because i was too lazy to dig my toothbrush out of my gym bag before going to the gym. I figured i’d just wait until afterward to brush my teeth when i was showering (i’m weird and brush my teeth in the shower.). so, i’m so scary i’d rather stop and buy gum than brush my teeth!
I LOVE THIS, MARIA!!!
xo
#2, #6, #7, #10, #12 ring true for me too.
I bathed my kids once a week — and now my son prefers showers so… woohoo! Yeah, playing with my daughter is often quite an ordeal… the fact that she’s so bossy doesn’t help either. And, my reason for buying the occasional lottery ticket is solely so I can afford a sushi chef, who can preferably also read my kids’ minds and give them what they want to eat.
Awesome, Maria… You are super-scary, but yeah, you’re not alone in the scariness.
LMFAO! Number 4 & 6 are SO me that I literally LOL’d when I read them, and I feel you on number 9. After I told my husband that if he dared to buy a minivan HE would be the one driving it to work he finally gave up. I totally believe in telling it like it really is, and I love your blog posts. Keep up the good work.
I hate playdates. Hate, hate, hate them. Except with my own friends!
I love your list! Nice combo of awesome and scary…I’m a bit afraid (and envious) that you don’t feed hot dogs!
I love this post! You wouldn’t hate playgroups if I lived in your area because I’d bring Starbucks and cakes and we would sit and talk about what scary parents we were. I need to work on my death stare (can you do a blog post explaining that please?).
i used to do the eye thing. i’m wondering if that’s why i get a tic in my eye
i love this post! there are some many things with, as a mom, i can relate to! i would LOVE someone to cook and clean on a regular basis for us! i didn’t mind playgroups because i had one with a decent sized group of friends so it was really fun. baby classes, on the other hand, yuck.
good luck with the contest hon!!
xo
What is perfect, who is that perfect CRAZY Mom anyway! Love it!
That is a great post. Funny how listing our not-so-great qualities reminds us of the great ones!
All I have to say is I am a Starwhore….it’s terrible!! Not only is a it a food group @EmmieJ its a LIFELINE!!!
)
One problem though….bath time IS a nightly ritual!!! I’m a clean freak…I’ll shower twice maybe three times a day myself….I know – I waste water.
Cheers to the list!!
Peas Out!
~daddy b
I am so with you on the bath time gig. When does it end??? Sounds like your a pretty good scary mommy to me! Good luck in the contest!
You are soooo scary. I was shaking in my boots, for real (and they aren’t tied, so I am risking them falling off).
I am so stealing #4.
And, I’ll stay mum about the candy…
Oh I so hear you. I fully proclaim that I am not a perfect mom. I can’t do vomit. I just can’t. My hubs has finally learned that if there is a vomiting child it is all on him. I absolutely refuse to drive a minivan. I was the only mom at the PTO meeting with a SUV. I convinced my sons that I am way scarier than any monster and that’s why there are no monsters in our house.
Awesome job on the no candy, hotdogs, pop thing. I am impressed. I try to limit it, but I know that I really should do a better job. Way to go Mom!
I’m pretty sure I wrote this…in my head…while cruising through the Starbucks drive thru…
Good lord, Starbucks has saved my sanity while simultaneously making my ass bigger. I don’t care. I prefer my sanity.
(Oh yeah, and thanks for writing what most moms don’t dare say!)
HAHAHA.. had me laughing out loud…SO TRUE
I see your kid puke and raise you nose bleeds. My daughter has had a few really bad nosebleeds-like CSI Crime Scene, throw out the pillow, its a goner, nosebleeds. I can deal with nosebleeds, but I don’t like to and they terrify my daughter.
I have met my husband at the door with my purse on my shoulder a couple of times, and walked out as he walked in. Momma had Vietnamese and choir practice and no one died that day…
Good thing I didn’t enter this contest because I am no where near as scary as you.
There is nothing wrong with threatening your kids with a very scary horrible fictious creature that may or may not eat children with ketchup.
I love it! I saw the title earlier & got all excited that it might be a Halloween related blog, but this made me laugh! I could have written it. Not as well & with many more spelling errors but until you got to that nice part toward the end, you pretty much nailed it for me. Now I gotta run. Not literally silly…I abhore exercise!
Oh, my goodness, this list was spot on!! I literally cried when I bought my minivan and count down the days until I can trade it in!
This? Was adorable. I particularly loved the last list, because I’m think that more mommies should spend more time congratulating themselves than feeling scary and guilty. Every mom wants to read about how other mother’s aren’t perfect, I get it and I totally LOL’d at your list- but HELLO! Let’s pat ourselves on the back a little for peet’s sake. I just might take your cue and post my own “Scary Mommy-”isms
BTW, have you ever visited a Drive-Thru Starbucks? I found one on accident when Z was just teeny and I nearly kissed the window lady. Ranks up there as one of my happiest days ever.
Thanks for being candid – - love reading your tweets- – thanks for reminding me to hit your blog. . i’ll check in more often. honest!
I enjoyed this!
I know I’m late on this, BUT, I’m glad you also included all the things you know you’re wonderful at
Wow, so true!! Love your blog, it makes me feel normal!!!
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