Feb
19

I do believe my husband owes ME a press conference

by MARIA on February 19, 2010

So I just watched the worse press conference ever – 15 minutes of some famous dude reading (badly, I might add) this brutally scripted crap, as a means to apologize to the world that he’s a man whore. I didn’t empathize – I can’t really empathize with angry, arrogant dudes. I think he should have been down on his knees, apologizing to his wife, for humiliating her over and over. If I was his wife I would have thrown a rather large rock toward the tv. (Note: I said toward the tv, not directly AT the tv — no dude is going to make me destroy my only link to Modern Family, thank you very much.)

But it got me thinking – press conferences can be a good thing, if done the right way. In fact, I think I’m owed a press conference. Yes – I believe MY HUSBAND owes ME a press conference. So, I made it easy on him and prepared his script for him. I’m sweet like that:

Good Afternoon Everyone – my name is Husband (also known as SuperGoob) and I am here today to set the record straight on why I believe Maria is a GODDESS for staying with me after all these years, and why I truly owe her the largest and sparkliest diamond available. And a new camera. And a new house. And a Gucci handbag.

First off, I would like to apologize for all the years I’ve put my dirty laundry next to the hamper, instead of IN the damn hamper. My wife did not sign up for touching my nasty drawers on a daily basis, for the last 10 years of her life. I’m sorry, because truth be told, I suck. From now on, I will be doing all laundry, including folding it and putting it away to make it up to her.

Also, I would like to say that I’m ashamed to admit that every time my perfect wife has attempted to make me dinner, I feel the need to douse it with salt and various condiments, before I even taste it. I cannot blame her for wanting to throw said dinner at my head on a daily basis, and am greatful that she fights said urge.

Indeed, making her yell at me to do the garbage and recycling every Thursday night is so wrong, that I insist she go out and buy herself that new handbag this very moment, and any time that this ever happens again. Darling, I will feel so much better if you go ahead and spend a ridiculous amount of money on it. The enormous balance of that upcoming credit card bill, will fill my heart with joy.

But most of all, I would like to BEG for forgiveness, for every minute that I have slept in. (That’s a WHOLE LOT OF BEGGING in case you’re wondering). For every time I have slept through screaming and crying babies, sick and vomiting children, I owe you BIG TIME. For every time, I pretended to sleep, or ignored you when you were trying to talk to me, and every time I spoke to you rudely when you were trying to wake me, resulting in me acting like an insensitive prig, I owe you a million junk punches (with a jock on of course).

I will never live up to your fabulousness, or stunning beauty, and most importantly, I will never be as smart or funny as you are. No matter how hard I try, I will never beat you at Scrabble, or gin rummy or any game, ever. I love you so much that I will end this perfect press conference with as many cliches as I can muster, because being embarassed will only make me feel better about all those craptastic moments I’ve put you through over the last 10 years.

You are the wind beneath my wing.

You are the light at the end of my tunnel

You are the left to my right.

You are the pepper to my salt.

You are the funny to my cheesy.

Please forgive me. Sincerely, Your Husband

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{ 80 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Christine LaRocque February 19, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Maria, brilliant. Period!

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2 Sarah February 19, 2010 at 3:24 pm

You go, Maria! Too bad you couldn’t get a vid of him reading it! :)

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3 Maria February 19, 2010 at 4:01 pm

I think that might be pushing it!! (Even for me)

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4 Shannon February 19, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Awesome! The laundry hamper part was my fav… big pet peeve for me too… my hubby puts his on the hamper cuz he’s too lazy to lift the darn lid! WTG!

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5 The Only Girl February 19, 2010 at 4:10 pm

Perfect! Do you mind if I copy it? Like word for word. In fact maybe I’ll just send my husband your link. Are you sure you aren’t married to MY husband???

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6 Nenette February 19, 2010 at 4:26 pm

That was fantastic, Maria!
But after reading that list of grievances and comparing it to my own, I’m afraid I’d owe my husband a press conference. :)

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7 Maggi February 19, 2010 at 4:35 pm

Oh wow, this is just like the press conference my husband needs to hold except substitute “Gucci” for “Coach”. LOL

Have a great weekend! :D

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8 Old School/New School Mom February 19, 2010 at 4:49 pm

I think my boyfriend owes me a similar press conference. This is simply fantastic. I totally relate to the apologizing for sleeping in. Why do they feel entitled to do so? You would think the sickly vomiting children would wake them! Avoidance is a deep animal.

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9 Sandy February 19, 2010 at 5:00 pm

Make sure you let me know when that’s on, so my husband can watch it. ;) That’s awesome! Great post. This just confirms that we are all the same…

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10 Cheryl February 19, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Awesome! That was so much better than the crappy press confrence I wasted my life watching earlier!

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11 Niki February 19, 2010 at 7:31 pm

My husband owes me a press conference big time. For reasons I won’t go into here. :-/

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12 The Little Brown House February 19, 2010 at 7:51 pm

Oh my gosh! How funny!

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13 Marcy Berg February 19, 2010 at 9:12 pm

Now that’s a press conference!

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14 Marcy Berg February 19, 2010 at 9:13 pm

Can I borrow that? I know someone else who needs it (ah-hem)

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15 Sarah Taylor February 19, 2010 at 9:24 pm

Wow….thats all I can say. I read it to my husband and he NODDED!!! actually nodded. (Although, I am partial to a new Bottega Veneta bag…saw one last year and he nearly died when I considered it!) but I got the nod, so I think I can go ahead.

Cheers, Sarah

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16 amotherworld February 19, 2010 at 9:29 pm

Love it!

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17 Darryl Koster February 19, 2010 at 10:23 pm

I think you should really let your husband (who is probably a rockstar husband who is an amazing person) respond to this post. Yes, why don’t you (funny as hell by the way!)

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18 Dawn February 19, 2010 at 10:57 pm

Yup. That sounds about right. I think all wives deserve this particular press conference.

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19 Loukia February 20, 2010 at 12:00 am

Haha!!! That was awesome!!

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20 Cranky Sarah February 20, 2010 at 12:34 am

Hear, hear!
I will tune in and even DVR that one.

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21 Marcia February 20, 2010 at 12:42 am

oh that’s good …. love it.

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22 Me February 20, 2010 at 2:11 am

This post was a good read indeed! You go girl! Happy SITS SATURDAY SHAREFEST!

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23 MelRoXx February 20, 2010 at 2:12 am

oops — I think I left the wrong name, Me, instead of MelRoXx! sorry!

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24 Tara February 20, 2010 at 2:12 am

Isn’t it funny, even all the way over here, on the other side of the world, they are all cut from the same cloth. Loved it.

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25 Montessori Moments February 20, 2010 at 2:14 am

“Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest”

Great post! I just have to brag…
I just love my sweet and romantic husband…I never imagined this romance would really keep up (it’s been almost 10 years).
Check out what he did this Valentine’s Day!

http://mymontessorihomeblog.blogspot.com/2010/02/note-trail-in-pictures.html

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26 adrienne February 20, 2010 at 3:14 am

My hubby puts the dishes NEXT to the sink instead of in the sink. Ugh…men!

Stopping by from SITS. Happy Saturday Sharefest.

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27 Jenn February 20, 2010 at 4:18 am

This is absolutely brilliant. You took my thoughts right out of my head. I think I deserve a press conference too! I love your blog & your lists really make me giggle. Thanks for sharing! -Jenn (from SITS)

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28 Heather February 20, 2010 at 7:00 am

Stopping by from SITS – I have to say that I probably owe my husband a press conference… I’m the messy disaster in our family, but he knew it before we got married, so I don’t owe him much…

Love your writing though :)

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29 Shelle~ Mommy Cant Sing February 20, 2010 at 7:38 am

Awesome! I can relate to the sleeping in & always adding salt to everything that I make!!

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30 Jessica February 20, 2010 at 8:35 am

HAHAHAHAHA!!! This sounds like I wrote it. Its good to know we ladies go through the same experiances:)

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31 Joann Mannix February 20, 2010 at 9:05 am

Hi Maria,

Gawd!! I love your posts. I thought I’d put you on my blogroll and Google reader, but since I woke up this morning and realized I have been missing that spewing my coffee laugh, as I read your posts, I’m going back to make sure you’re there. I need me some jollies to get my day going! And my husband? I want to KILL him when he adds the condiments without even trying.

Happy Saturday. Here’s my latest, very, very sad post: http://laundryhurtsmyfeelings.blogspot.com/2010/02/fox-is-fox-is-fox.html.

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32 denise February 20, 2010 at 9:11 am

Stopping by from SITS to say Hi!
I am adding you so I can come back & read more!
Please stop by!
http://extremepersonalmeasures.blogspot.com

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33 Emily February 20, 2010 at 9:24 am

Now THAT’S a press conference I’d like to see!

Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

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34 Lia February 20, 2010 at 9:31 am

Lets hope everything goes well for that family and that our favorite golfer is able to return to his wife and children and be the father and husband he can be. I think he will find that his life will be infinately better.

Have a super SITS Saturday,
Lia

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35 bluecottonmemory February 20, 2010 at 10:19 am

My FIL always said, “I can’t hear what you’re saying because how loud you’r actions are.” I think TIger needed a sit down with my FIL. A Press Conference? What about real life:)

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36 olga February 20, 2010 at 10:30 am

wow!!! That was awesome!!! He really sleeps thru when you need him?? I am glad I found you! happy SitS Saturday Sharefest!!!stop by u may be one of my Tribe peeps!!

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37 Pres. Kathy February 20, 2010 at 11:16 am

You are hilarious! I love this!!!

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38 Karin aka perpstu February 20, 2010 at 11:33 am

Brilliant! My husband used to douse his food with hot sauce every.single.night. One night I told him I thought it was insulting that he would do it before even trying a bite of what I had made and if it continued he could make his own dinner (there may have been a four letter word or two sprinkled in the mix.) It worked—a little bit!

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39 Krysten February 20, 2010 at 12:58 pm

That is AMAZING! And totally hysterical. And I completely agree, I watched the press conference and he was a complete, insincere idiot.

Happy SITS Saturday sharefest!

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40 Linda February 20, 2010 at 1:27 pm

Happy SITS Saturday.
Funny that you chose this post to share. I was just pondering on my couch penning a post to praise my man for the awesome husband he is and how much I appreciate him. Maybe he’d appreciate sarcasm more.

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41 michelle February 20, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Hey, I resemble that caption. But, if I’m being fair here, I guess I would owe him one too for all the PMS he has to go through. But I can totally see me sitting front and center when my DH gives me a press conference.

BTW, I just couldn’t bring myself to watch this farce yesterday. So I didn’t watch it. He was lying. You know how I know? His lips were moving. :-) Happy Saturday Sharefest.

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42 Sandy February 20, 2010 at 1:33 pm

What a hilarious post! I agree, what was with Tiger? He sounded like a robot. Be a little more sincere, dude! LOVE the imaginary press conference with your hubby. We all need one of those! I LOVE YOUR BLOG! :)

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43 M February 20, 2010 at 2:27 pm

You are my hero. Seriously!!

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44 lz February 20, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Yeah! You deserve a press conference – all of those things deserve a public apology. But he has to also make sure to stress to the world that you have never ever nagged or yelled or been anything short of a saint.
Hilarious!

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45 Mommyof2Girlz February 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Fantastic and a wonderful idea. I am going to be my hubby on this right now…lol Stopping by from SITS, happy Saturday Sharefest!!

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46 Betsy Henry (zen-mama.com) February 20, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Very funny!!!! I love it!!!! Happy SITs Saturday!

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47 Kerri February 20, 2010 at 5:49 pm

That is AWESOME. I so agree about Tiger. What an ass.
Loved YOUR letter though! Think I may need to draft my own!
Happy Saturday Sharefest!

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48 Amber February 20, 2010 at 6:50 pm

I love this. At least your husband EATS what you make. Mine takes one look at the dish that I’ve prepared and goes, “No thanks.”

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49 Kimberli Green February 20, 2010 at 8:12 pm

Now, that’s a press conference!!

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50 vervilledeb1 February 21, 2010 at 12:28 am

Do you have copies of this? I think you could do a few rewrites and make a HUGE profit!! :)

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51 Theta Mom February 21, 2010 at 8:22 am

Now that’s what I call a PRESS CONFERENCE! Just stumbled this – it’s awesome!

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52 Melissa@MyLittleWorld February 21, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Hilarious! Why do so many men insist on putting dirty laundry BESIDE the hamper?! So frustrating!

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53 Jenny February 21, 2010 at 3:24 pm

LOL that’s funny. I don’t think I’d want him to give me a diamond though. I hate them with a passion (so gaudy and unnecessary). I’d want him to buy me a giant hello kitty plush though ;)

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54 Jenny February 21, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Oh wait. I already have one of those. MWahahaha!

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55 juliedv February 21, 2010 at 3:52 pm

What a great press conference. If I was married… I might make the significant other read this! :) Well, unless he’s perfect — which I’m guessing I’ll learn a short bit into the marriage (although I don’t think I’d be naive enough to think that in the first place!) :)

Have a great Sunday — stopping by from SITS!

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56 Mommie Daze February 21, 2010 at 9:28 pm

Hysterical! I have to go find my husband, and make him read this.

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57 Lady Mama February 21, 2010 at 11:32 pm

You are definitely owed a press conference! And a handbag. And a holiday I think, too… And some wine and chocolates. Very funny!

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58 Mhe-Lhanee Benito February 22, 2010 at 12:50 am

hahahaha that was quite a speech! But then again, oh men!! They say we women are complicated… But they’re the ones. Very frustrating… But we still love them, no matter what… hahaha…

Dropping by from SITS!! Hope you have a great week ahead.
My latest post : http://ems-premature-eblogulation.blogspot.com/2010/02/hot-air-balloon-fiesta-valentines.html

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59 Danae February 22, 2010 at 9:21 am

Haha! Amazing. So when are you expecting the conference to go live? ;)

Stopping by from SITS

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60 Stephanie @ Geezees February 22, 2010 at 9:40 am

Great press conference.
Stopping by from SITS!!

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61 Sarah Ruth February 22, 2010 at 11:05 am

This is SO awesome. I love it!

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62 Sassily Yours... February 22, 2010 at 11:23 am

Good idea, but I would hope that the camera would be on me at all time. Also, I would insist that he give this press confrence whilst helping me finish my stairs already! LOL
Stopping in from SITS!

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63 Aurora February 22, 2010 at 11:50 am

LOVE THIS! Stopping by from SITS. have a great week.

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64 Bella Lucia Photography February 22, 2010 at 12:00 pm

LOLOLOL I love this! I might have to borrow it! Stopping by from SITS

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65 Lourie February 22, 2010 at 1:26 pm

BWHAHAHAHAHA! Yep Tiger is douche! I love your press conference! I think I will have to write one….you have started a trend!

Stopping by from SITS

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66 Virginia February 22, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Love your post. Happy SITS day!
Virginia
http://ladyvdzine.com

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67 Maria February 22, 2010 at 4:56 pm

That is hysterical! Stopping by from SITS! You would find some humor in my last two posts, one about laundry, the other about how we can love, regardless of imperfections!

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68 jroutledge February 22, 2010 at 6:37 pm

Stopping by from SITS
Great blog today! I guess all husbands are pretty much the same, eh? Yours sounds a lot like mine;-)
http://www.myinnerfoodzilla.blogspot.com

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69 Ingrid February 22, 2010 at 8:51 pm

Stopping by from SITS to say Hi :) Great post…yet kinda creepy that your hubby has so many similarities to mine.I also don’t remember signing up for picking up dirty under roos daily…is that what they meant in for better or WORSE!! LOL! Hugs, Ingrid

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70 Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities February 22, 2010 at 9:21 pm

Love this. Thrilled to have found your fabulousness via SITS! Like it or not, I am a new sistah! :)

PS – I love salt too. And sleeping in. And your sense of humor.

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71 Christina February 22, 2010 at 10:56 pm

I’m think you can draft Daddy’s speech too. it would say basically the same thing, just change the names.

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72 Tracy February 23, 2010 at 12:16 pm

It’s SOOOOO perfect that not only could I have written it myself, but I had to link it to my own post today after The Dad got himself in the dog house for the gazilllionith frikkin time for not listening to the perfect, & most brilliant creature that I am….such a Penis Head….

The Mayor!! :-D

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73 Shannon @ AnchorMommy February 23, 2010 at 4:57 pm

You KILL me, Maria. This is brilliant. Just brilliant.

I have to say — I am so glad to hear I’m not the only one with a constantly oversleeping husband. I am WAAAAY too nice and I let him get away with it. But with baby #2 coming, I think I’m going to re-think my niceness a bit. ;-)

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74 Elaine February 23, 2010 at 10:27 pm

Why must we always have to nag about the trash and the underwear. Why? Why? WHY?????

p.s. love it.

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75 Melodie February 24, 2010 at 11:30 am

My husband sleeps in every morning and has never helped with nighttime parenting. I have so much baggage around this so I can very much relate to that part. Thanks.

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76 Kellyology February 24, 2010 at 4:04 pm

That was fantastic. lol Now that is a press conference that I might actually record and rewind, kind of like the latest Old Spice Commercial.

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77 Kevin Berry February 24, 2010 at 4:56 pm

As the primary domestic task doer, I can say I agree heartily with the hamper issue. I swear, the tendency to just toss one’s dirty clothes close to–but not actually IN–the hamper must transcend gender! Admittedly, she does have to remind me that it’s Wednesday (our garbage/recycling day, but that’s just because I’m a little absent-minded and forget what day of the week it is at times), but the trade-off is that she works her butt off and I work far less as well as do the domestic stuff. Is a reminder every now and then all that bad?

As to the oversleeping, that’s a rarity for either of us. As the resident night owl, you can bet that when the twins come I’ll be night shift! Heck, I prefer that; I want my alone time with the boys, too!

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78 Jean February 25, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Hysterical! As usual! I am once again laughing so hard I will wake the kids.

And if I ever wrote something like that for my husband, his response would be a list of all the intimate bedroom things that I should apologize for not doing anymore. Sucks, he’s got me there! BUT, if he didn’t sleep in, did put out the garbage without being asked, and did enjoy my food tremendously maybe there would be a little more passion since I wouldn’t be so stressed, pissed off, and so freakin tired!!!

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79 Babes about Town February 27, 2010 at 6:58 am

I am tigress, hear me roar! This is fab. And judging by some other comments, I think we’re going to need a global press conference with joint statements from hubbies around the world. Or maybe us wives could even push for some kind of class action suit.

Will be keeping up with your posts from now on. Definitely made my Saturday (alone with kids, hubby out on town…)

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80 Jude Smiley March 11, 2010 at 6:43 pm

haahaa – I hear that sistas! My husband owes me a few press conferences!!
Jude

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