I do believe my husband owes ME a press conference

19th February 2010

So I just watched the worse press conference ever – 15 minutes of some famous dude reading (badly, I might add) this brutally scripted crap, as a means to apologize to the world that he’s a man whore. I didn’t empathize – I can’t really empathize with angry, arrogant dudes. I think he should have been down on his knees, apologizing to his wife, for humiliating her over and over. If I was his wife I would have thrown a rather large rock toward the tv. (Note: I said toward the tv, not directly AT the tv — no dude is going to make me destroy my only link to Modern Family, thank you very much.)

But it got me thinking – press conferences can be a good thing, if done the right way. In fact, I think I’m owed a press conference. Yes – I believe MY HUSBAND owes ME a press conference. So, I made it easy on him and prepared his script for him. I’m sweet like that:

Good Afternoon Everyone – my name is Husband (also known as SuperGoob) and I am here today to set the record straight on why I believe Maria is a GODDESS for staying with me after all these years, and why I truly owe her the largest and sparkliest diamond available. And a new camera. And a new house. And a Gucci handbag.

First off, I would like to apologize for all the years I’ve put my dirty laundry next to the hamper, instead of IN the damn hamper. My wife did not sign up for touching my nasty drawers on a daily basis, for the last 10 years of her life. I’m sorry, because truth be told, I suck. From now on, I will be doing all laundry, including folding it and putting it away to make it up to her.

Also, I would like to say that I’m ashamed to admit that every time my perfect wife has attempted to make me dinner, I feel the need to douse it with salt and various condiments, before I even taste it. I cannot blame her for wanting to throw said dinner at my head on a daily basis, and am greatful that she fights said urge.

Indeed, making her yell at me to do the garbage and recycling every Thursday night is so wrong, that I insist she go out and buy herself that new handbag this very moment, and any time that this ever happens again. Darling, I will feel so much better if you go ahead and spend a ridiculous amount of money on it. The enormous balance of that upcoming credit card bill, will fill my heart with joy.

But most of all, I would like to BEG for forgiveness, for every minute that I have slept in. (That’s a WHOLE LOT OF BEGGING in case you’re wondering). For every time I have slept through screaming and crying babies, sick and vomiting children, I owe you BIG TIME. For every time, I pretended to sleep, or ignored you when you were trying to talk to me, and every time I spoke to you rudely when you were trying to wake me, resulting in me acting like an insensitive prig, I owe you a million junk punches (with a jock on of course).

I will never live up to your fabulousness, or stunning beauty, and most importantly, I will never be as smart or funny as you are. No matter how hard I try, I will never beat you at Scrabble, or gin rummy or any game, ever. I love you so much that I will end this perfect press conference with as many cliches as I can muster, because being embarassed will only make me feel better about all those craptastic moments I’ve put you through over the last 10 years.

You are the wind beneath my wing.

You are the light at the end of my tunnel

You are the left to my right.

You are the pepper to my salt.

You are the funny to my cheesy.

Please forgive me. Sincerely, Your Husband

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82 thoughts on “I do believe my husband owes ME a press conference

  1. Pingback: uberVU - social comments

  2. Shannon

    Awesome! The laundry hamper part was my fav… big pet peeve for me too… my hubby puts his on the hamper cuz he’s too lazy to lift the darn lid! WTG!

    Reply
  3. Nenette

    That was fantastic, Maria!
    But after reading that list of grievances and comparing it to my own, I’m afraid I’d owe my husband a press conference. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
  4. Maggi

    Oh wow, this is just like the press conference my husband needs to hold except substitute “Gucci” for “Coach”. LOL

    Have a great weekend! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Reply
  5. Old School/New School Mom

    I think my boyfriend owes me a similar press conference. This is simply fantastic. I totally relate to the apologizing for sleeping in. Why do they feel entitled to do so? You would think the sickly vomiting children would wake them! Avoidance is a deep animal.

    Reply
  6. Sandy

    Make sure you let me know when that’s on, so my husband can watch it. ๐Ÿ˜‰ That’s awesome! Great post. This just confirms that we are all the same…

    Reply
  7. Sarah Taylor

    Wow….thats all I can say. I read it to my husband and he NODDED!!! actually nodded. (Although, I am partial to a new Bottega Veneta bag…saw one last year and he nearly died when I considered it!) but I got the nod, so I think I can go ahead.

    Cheers, Sarah

    Reply
  8. Jenn

    This is absolutely brilliant. You took my thoughts right out of my head. I think I deserve a press conference too! I love your blog & your lists really make me giggle. Thanks for sharing! -Jenn (from SITS)

    Reply
  9. Heather

    Stopping by from SITS – I have to say that I probably owe my husband a press conference… I’m the messy disaster in our family, but he knew it before we got married, so I don’t owe him much…

    Love your writing though ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
  10. Joann Mannix

    Hi Maria,

    Gawd!! I love your posts. I thought I’d put you on my blogroll and Google reader, but since I woke up this morning and realized I have been missing that spewing my coffee laugh, as I read your posts, I’m going back to make sure you’re there. I need me some jollies to get my day going! And my husband? I want to KILL him when he adds the condiments without even trying.

    Happy Saturday. Here’s my latest, very, very sad post: http://laundryhurtsmyfeelings.blogspot.com/2010/02/fox-is-fox-is-fox.html.

    Reply
  11. Lia

    Lets hope everything goes well for that family and that our favorite golfer is able to return to his wife and children and be the father and husband he can be. I think he will find that his life will be infinately better.

    Have a super SITS Saturday,
    Lia

    Reply
  12. olga

    wow!!! That was awesome!!! He really sleeps thru when you need him?? I am glad I found you! happy SitS Saturday Sharefest!!!stop by u may be one of my Tribe peeps!!

    Reply
  13. Karin aka perpstu

    Brilliant! My husband used to douse his food with hot sauce every.single.night. One night I told him I thought it was insulting that he would do it before even trying a bite of what I had made and if it continued he could make his own dinner (there may have been a four letter word or two sprinkled in the mix.) It worked—a little bit!

    Reply
  14. Krysten

    That is AMAZING! And totally hysterical. And I completely agree, I watched the press conference and he was a complete, insincere idiot.

    Happy SITS Saturday sharefest!

    Reply
  15. Linda

    Happy SITS Saturday.
    Funny that you chose this post to share. I was just pondering on my couch penning a post to praise my man for the awesome husband he is and how much I appreciate him. Maybe he’d appreciate sarcasm more.

    Reply
  16. michelle

    Hey, I resemble that caption. But, if I’m being fair here, I guess I would owe him one too for all the PMS he has to go through. But I can totally see me sitting front and center when my DH gives me a press conference.

    BTW, I just couldn’t bring myself to watch this farce yesterday. So I didn’t watch it. He was lying. You know how I know? His lips were moving. ๐Ÿ™‚ Happy Saturday Sharefest.

    Reply
  17. Sandy

    What a hilarious post! I agree, what was with Tiger? He sounded like a robot. Be a little more sincere, dude! LOVE the imaginary press conference with your hubby. We all need one of those! I LOVE YOUR BLOG! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
  18. lz

    Yeah! You deserve a press conference – all of those things deserve a public apology. But he has to also make sure to stress to the world that you have never ever nagged or yelled or been anything short of a saint.
    Hilarious!

    Reply
  19. Jenny

    LOL that’s funny. I don’t think I’d want him to give me a diamond though. I hate them with a passion (so gaudy and unnecessary). I’d want him to buy me a giant hello kitty plush though ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Reply
  20. juliedv

    What a great press conference. If I was married… I might make the significant other read this! ๐Ÿ™‚ Well, unless he’s perfect — which I’m guessing I’ll learn a short bit into the marriage (although I don’t think I’d be naive enough to think that in the first place!) ๐Ÿ™‚

    Have a great Sunday — stopping by from SITS!

    Reply
  21. Sassily Yours...

    Good idea, but I would hope that the camera would be on me at all time. Also, I would insist that he give this press confrence whilst helping me finish my stairs already! LOL
    Stopping in from SITS!

    Reply
  22. Lourie

    BWHAHAHAHAHA! Yep Tiger is douche! I love your press conference! I think I will have to write one….you have started a trend!

    Stopping by from SITS

    Reply
  23. Maria

    That is hysterical! Stopping by from SITS! You would find some humor in my last two posts, one about laundry, the other about how we can love, regardless of imperfections!

    Reply
  24. Ingrid

    Stopping by from SITS to say Hi ๐Ÿ™‚ Great post…yet kinda creepy that your hubby has so many similarities to mine.I also don’t remember signing up for picking up dirty under roos daily…is that what they meant in for better or WORSE!! LOL! Hugs, Ingrid

    Reply
  25. Tracy

    It’s SOOOOO perfect that not only could I have written it myself, but I had to link it to my own post today after The Dad got himself in the dog house for the gazilllionith frikkin time for not listening to the perfect, & most brilliant creature that I am….such a Penis Head….

    The Mayor!! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Reply
  26. Shannon @ AnchorMommy

    You KILL me, Maria. This is brilliant. Just brilliant.

    I have to say — I am so glad to hear I’m not the only one with a constantly oversleeping husband. I am WAAAAY too nice and I let him get away with it. But with baby #2 coming, I think I’m going to re-think my niceness a bit. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Reply
  27. Melodie

    My husband sleeps in every morning and has never helped with nighttime parenting. I have so much baggage around this so I can very much relate to that part. Thanks.

    Reply
  28. Kevin Berry

    As the primary domestic task doer, I can say I agree heartily with the hamper issue. I swear, the tendency to just toss one’s dirty clothes close to–but not actually IN–the hamper must transcend gender! Admittedly, she does have to remind me that it’s Wednesday (our garbage/recycling day, but that’s just because I’m a little absent-minded and forget what day of the week it is at times), but the trade-off is that she works her butt off and I work far less as well as do the domestic stuff. Is a reminder every now and then all that bad?

    As to the oversleeping, that’s a rarity for either of us. As the resident night owl, you can bet that when the twins come I’ll be night shift! Heck, I prefer that; I want my alone time with the boys, too!

    Reply
  29. Jean

    Hysterical! As usual! I am once again laughing so hard I will wake the kids.

    And if I ever wrote something like that for my husband, his response would be a list of all the intimate bedroom things that I should apologize for not doing anymore. Sucks, he’s got me there! BUT, if he didn’t sleep in, did put out the garbage without being asked, and did enjoy my food tremendously maybe there would be a little more passion since I wouldn’t be so stressed, pissed off, and so freakin tired!!!

    Reply
  30. Babes about Town

    I am tigress, hear me roar! This is fab. And judging by some other comments, I think we’re going to need a global press conference with joint statements from hubbies around the world. Or maybe us wives could even push for some kind of class action suit.

    Will be keeping up with your posts from now on. Definitely made my Saturday (alone with kids, hubby out on town…)

    Reply
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