What did I want to be when I grew up? I thought I was going to be a doctor.
Did I ever actually want to be a doctor?
Nope.
But I was a reader as a kid. You never saw me without a book. Ever. My dad would tell me all the time, that I was going to end up being a doctor. So when he or anyone else asked what I would become, I knew my answer. Doctor.
I went through grade school and high school thinking the same thing. Doctor. But I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I hated my science classes and math classes – everything truly required to become a doctor. I just knew.
Then I got to university and decided on Sociology, but quickly made the switch to Psychology. Was I happy in either? Truly, no. I still hadn’t found my way, what I was meant to do. But I kept at it, because if anything, I’m persistent in my confusion.
Then came Anatomy 101. The first day was an ominous one. Someone had warned me to prepare myself. They knew me and they knew that I was an emotional soul. I cried at the drop of the hat. If I saw someone else suffering, the water works began. They still do.
There are many things about me that people don’t know. But one thing is for sure – I cannot stand to see people suffering. I am not that person who can talk about things like serious illness or loss or suffering, in a matter of fact way. The truth is I am the exact opposite of that, especially since having children.
So you can imagine how I felt as I stood in that anatomy room with the other 19 year olds, terrified of the moment the prof would open that table to show us our first cadaver. I’m sure some people saw what they were “supposed” to see – a learning tool. All I saw was someone’s family member. It took everything in me not to pass out. Thankfully, it was the cocky loud-mouthed idiot in front of me that hit the floor. The next day, I came in and there were severed arms on each of the desks – that was the last time I went back.
So, yeah, the doctor thing ended quickly.
I ended up getting a Psychology/Health Degree from my University, and on graduation day, I was in the exact same spot I was on the first day I started. I had NO idea what I wanted to be when I grew up.
After I finished my three year Human Resources Management Diploma, I still had no idea. I could tell you that I was bored to tears with anything HR related.
I worked in every arena, including sales, retail, the food industry (the family business), administration, and project management, and still I never found it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved working and being productive, often having two jobs even though I lived at home.
I envied those people who knew what they wanted to be and what they wanted to do with their lives, from day one it seems. I envied those people that knew how to make it happen and eventually did. I didn’t envy the person, but more their ability to know themselves, and to find their way.
So here I am, years later, two kiddies and a husband and a stay-at-home mom in the same spot I was years ago. My 3 year old is about to start Junior Kindergarten in September, and this stay-at-home will find herself with some free time on her hands. People ask me if I’m going to go back to work when both kids will be in school full time, and I have no idea how to answer. Its been years since I’ve worked – I have no idea what I would do. What I can do. What I truly WANT to do.
I know what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to work retail. I don’t want to be in sales. I don’t want to be bored to tears. You see, the options are dwindeling as I write this sentence. I have no idea.
If I could go back, what would I have done differently? As I’ve said so many times before, my true love is books. I would have done anything that involves books. I would have gone into Library Science to become a librarian. I would have taken a job, any job, with a publisher. Anything to be involved in the book industry.
What’s holding me back?
I have a lot of things working against me. I live in a small city. I’m old. I have no idea if it’s even possible.
My parents, my friends, my husband tell me to write a book – with all the things swirling in my end, surely I could write something that people would want to read.
If only it was so easy.
So what do I want to be when I grow up?
I have no idea.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I work retail 19 years. I am not bored as there is always things to do. Put stock away, make labels, face, help customers and more.
Yes i wish i did something different. But i do not have a college or university degree.
I only finished high school.
When i see all the young kids i work with i tell them to do something with there lives or they will end up like me working retail for the rest of there lives.
I still don’t know what i want to be when i grow up i usually say.
I have my Husband and 2 boys and a home.
I used to work full time but for quite a few years i have worked part time so i can look after the kids.
Even i wanted to try to get another job i don’t know what i would like to do.
I wish i knew and i do not know if anyone would hire me as my part time consits basically of 2 days a week.
Maybe one day i will try to apply to another job because i know i would like to try something different than what i am doing now.
I feel i need a change but i will probably end up in some sort of retail again since that is all i know.
Sorry for going on.
But what ever you do it doesn’t matter because you do work as being a wonderful Mom to your kids.
Oh, I hear ya! I am a mom who works outside of the home, but I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, either. I have a good, stable job and I am good at what I do (HR/Finance), but I never really chose this field… I just ended up in it. I was just talking to my mom last week about this, and how I wish I had a PASSION (not only the career kind, but we’ll stick with that for now). I envy people who follow their dreams and who do what they love. I don’t even know what I love (still talking career-wise). It’s depressing, really. Maybe you could talk to a career counsellor and see what options are out there that are related to books in some way. Maybe there are more than you know! Good luck!
Wow – you just took the words out of my mouth! We are in pretty much the exact same situation. Where is my passion is a question I ask.
I’m 37 this year and I find myself thinking ” Really? This is only how far you’ve come?” If I could do it all over again I would study kinesiology/phys ed. What I would do with it I have no idea but I probably would have enjoyed university more. I know people who go back to college/university when they’re older but I always wonder how they afford it. I’m a single mum and with a job I I don’t have much money left over – how would we survive if I didn’t have a job because I was in school F/T?
I get upset when people say they feel they’re “to old”. You can do anything you set your mind out to do no matter what age you are. Age is just a number, but it can be a condition if you allow it to be…
I know the feeling though of not knowing what you want to do. I’m at a very similar crossroad. Maybe what we want will find us lol?
You’re never too old to start something new. Write that book. Do it!
Go back to school, get that library science degree and go work in a school library. You love books, you love kids, what better place to be?
I totally get this. I’m forty. I’m doing a job that I used to love, but I’m not excited about it anymore. I think the demographic changed on me and the expectations changed on me, and I really don’t belong here anymore, but I don’t know what else I would or could do.
Sigh. I have hopes I’ll figure it out someday. We’ll see.
I agree with Tortuga. I think a library science degree would suit you really well! In fact, I’m wondering if you even have to have that degree to get a library job. Hmm. Might be something to check out, anyway.
On the flip side, I’ve always known what I wanted to do, and I was working my dream job when I walked away from it. Now I’m scared that I’ll never get that job back when I’m ready to return. After all, television is a fickle world. Even worse, I’m not sure I’ll want it back by then. Working weekends, late nights and holidays doesn’t sound so appealing once you’ve had the luxury of NOT doing it for a while. So I guess in a way, I’m kinda sorta in a similar boat. Who knows where/what I’ll do once I’m done doing the “hard time” of childrearing.
Good luck, Maria. I do know this — you deserve to be happy. It may take you a while to find out how to use your talents, but you definitely have them. There is NO doubt about that.
I’ve always wanted to write and own my own little book store in a small town on the coast. That is my dream. I don’t think it’s achievable in today’s techie world where folks can just order their books online or download them directly to their desktops, phones or Kindles…but it doesn’t mean it’s not still my dream job. Maybe one day….
And you are NOT old. If you’re old, then that means I’m old – and I’m NOT old. I say go for it – get the job you want. Walk into a library and see if they need any part time help shelving…or reading to kids…or WHATEVER. Get your degree – there are plenty of online programs – you can do it. When I was working on my MA, there was a lovely woman in her early 70′s in a lot of my courses…I’m never going to stop learning and I don’t think you should hold yourself back either.
I think you’re awesome, Maria. And you can do anything you want! And as your son would probably say this isn’t your “yast summew” – you can do it!
Maria! Go write the book!
I went to college knowing my major (political science) and stuck with it throughout. I loved my studies. However, the idea that I would go to law school was out of my mind by the end of my freshman year. I thought maybe I would go into lobbying or work for a think tank. Then I graduated and my then-fiance (now husband) still had two years to go, so I wasn’t going anywhere. I worked as a degree adviser for two+ years and I loved it. It was not too stressful but also not boring. I didn’t work if the university was closed, so that meant two weeks at Christmas and spring break off. I liked working with students.
Now, if I had the time, I would get a master’s in education while also taking undergrad courses to be certified to teach high school government. But I don’t have the time or the money at this stage, and that’s okay. It doesn’t seem like I’ll ever have all my kids in school at the same time anyway.
Maria, I hope you considered some of the stuff we chatted about the other day!
I hope you get to that “a-ha!” moment soon and realize what you really want to pursue!
I’m kind of the opposite in that I knew what I wanted to do from Day 1 and didn’t explore any other options because I was so *sure.* Looking back, I wish I had just a little bit of doubt so that I would have been open to other things. I think the main theme in all these posts is still not knowing what we want to do even though we’re supposedly grown up now. I’m a bit biased (because I have the same dream), but I like the idea of trying to write a novel. And if working with books is what you want to do – in a library or some other capacity – I say go for it. It’s never too late to do what you want. Unless you want to be an Olympic gymnast or something.
I have an MLIS that I haven’t yet gotten to use, but while I was in library school, I worked part time as a page. It was mostly just shelving, check-in, and that sort of thing, but it’s seriously the best job I ever had! There are all sorts of jobs you can get in the library that don’t involve degrees, even as far as library assistants and specialists who do some reference and technical stuff.
Now I just sound like a commercial for the library industry or something! Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you in that field, don’t let the lack of degree scare you. If you get your foot in the door, amazing things can happen.
I wish you the best of luck figuring out what you want to do with yourself once your kids are back in school. I keep saying I will get a job then, but what about after school? And summer vacation? My oldest is 3, and I’m already freaking out about this stuff!
I’m 42 and I’ve been home for 10 years. My youngest starts full days (grade 1) in September. I feel blessed and fortunate to have been in the position to be home with my children. For many of those years at home I worked part time on a research project with a university. I loved telecommunting and having the total flexibility to work on my schedule. It wasn’t rocket science but it suited my needs at the time. Sadly our funding was yanked a year ago and poof went my regularly payingjob. During that time I was lucky enough to discover people liked my creative work and I sold many pieces. Professionally, that has been the most rewarding. People are willing to pay for something I create.
I’ve worked in social work and research and frankly, I don’t want to go back to either. I am taking some time for me. Starting in May I’m taking a photography class at SPAO and can’t wait. Whatever it is I decide I want to do when I grow up MUST involve something creative.
If you read my GTT post today you’ll see – I am soooo far from my original path it’s crazy.
Instead of me – twitter mom, blogger etc. I was going to be a high powered lawyer, crushing the bad guys and making millions by working 80 hours a week – on Bay street in Toronto.
ahhh, youth. silly.
Good luck Maria, lots will come! If you have a gut feeling you want to do something, give it a try…
I keep saying I’m going to be a “professional” volunteer once Katie starts school in 5 YEARS! HA! By that time I will have been out of the workforce for 8 years and will probably have NO clue what’s in store. But we shall see. Good luck to you, I’m sure there’s something out there book-related. My MIL went back to school in 50′s to get her Masters in Library Science and was a children’s librarian for several years. It’s really never too late…
I feel the same way. I have a successful career and I hate it. I have been working at this company (a few different jobs) for 15 years and it drives me nuts. It just isn’t my passion and I wonder if I am doomed to never work at my passion. I always hear people say, do what you love. But not everyone can do a job they love. If they did how would the garbage get picked up every week!
Ahhhh Maria…for one thing you are not old, you crazy lady. And for another, I would imagine your path is not so different from many others. I, for example, went to university to be a lawyer, dropped out, got my diploma in PR, went back got my degree in political science and then almost went back years later to become a teacher. That didn’t happen for many reasons.
Point is, I think we all go through periods of reinvention. It’s healthy, it’s life and if you let it, it can be very exciting! You are an amazing, creative woman and I have no doubt you can do whatever you set your mind to. The key is to find something you can enjoy too. That’s the hard part, but experimentation is part of the journey. And we’ll be here along the way to cheer you on!
Feel exactly the same way. Am 40 years old, kids are both in school, but the idea of trying to figure out what I want to be at this age seems overwhelming. I wonder if we’ve already found what we want to be, but are too chicken to admit. I want to be a stay home mom who blogs, tweets, volunteers to much, and enjoys my family. There. I said it. Now if only I could get paid to do it, in cash not gratitude.
Oh Jeeez,
I have no words of wisdom for you.
I just, you know, feel ya…
Gosh… I never wanted to be a doctor. I hate math/science. And hello. All I do is worry all the time. No way hose. I always loved entertainment. It was my dream to work at Entertainment Tonight. My biggest regret now is not completing my entire internship when I was at ET in L.A. BUT MISTAKE! I left to go back home to a radio job. WHAT? I know. I was so not the go-getter I should have been back then. I loved news, always, reading, always, and writing, always.
Have my University degree in Communications, work in comms in the federal gov’t (YAWN) and would love to write a book one day. It’s hard making money in something we are passionate about, you know? Why can’t we get paid to eat and write about it? Or travel, for money, and write about hotels, etc.? Yeah. I wish.
Why don’t you go to work at the local library! If they’re not taking new employees perhaps you could volunteer your time. You could help organize book clubs, author readings, or other fun things to get people into the library! This would incorporate you love of books and fill some empty time during your days.
BTW-Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!!!!
you can do the library science diploma via correspondence. you should totally it. they are always looking for people with library sciences in government. it’s a great place to start until you can find a publishing job!
Smothermother just told me you were wondering about the online diploma — it’s actually a library tech diploma that I’m doing, through Mohawk in Hamilton. I just wrote the exam for my first course. I totally hear you — I did an M.A. in Comparative Literature which was splendid except I knew there was no freakin’ way I wanted to be university professor. I worked in audio publishing for a while but the family in that family business was insane and I got tired of being in meetings where books and staplers and stuff kept getting thrown at people. I’ve also done special needs work, food service and bookselling. I should have just done library science in the first place.
Cadavers would have traumatized me. I have never had an idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was never a goal-oriented person. I still can’t think of anything I said I wanted to be, though I loved what I studied at school and have applied it to every job I’ve had.
I think you should pursue your passion – whatever you decide that is (writing, going back to school, etc)
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, either. At age 41, that’s a pretty shameful admission. I *so* related to this post.
I so get where you are going with this post. I’m doing something I’m pretty content with, but it isn’t what I thought I would do when I was a kid. I always wanted to be a lawyer (something about enjoying arguing, lol) and instead I do admin support for lawyers. It’s okay, at least I like the field, but I no longer know that I would have actually wanted to be the lawyer. And yet I want to do SOMETHING more with my life. What, I do not know.
Good luck finding something perfect for you if and when you are really ready. Create something for yourself somehow that would get you into the publishing industry?
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up either. If only we could get paid like a person working in a daycare does. I’m perfectly happy being SAHM, but that doesn’t “count” as being grown up nor does it provide money to retire on.
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