How to Handle Stress

I’ve been doing some never ending spring cleaning – yup, still not over. As you may realize by now, I bore very easily, and tend to move on when that happens. However, I’ve been finding these things from my past (my young, single past) that are hilarious in retrospect. One of the things I found was this little journal that I used to write in. Besides the occasional random or thoughtful quote, I also wrote these depressingly moody, but funny because they are so bad, poems. I feel the need to share them, which I plan to this week.

However, today, I want to share this little gem called How to Handle Stress – I know I didn’t write it, but picked it up in some magazine I believe, circa 92. It is SO dated – the last one is my fav. (By the way, I felt the need to add my commentary in italics.)

How to Handle Stress

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

(Personally, I think this would be funnier with the full size marshmallows)

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.

(This is more depressing than funny, unless “your Mastercard” is code for Sugardaddy.)

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

(Evidently microwave popcorn did not exist circa 1992. How sad.)

4. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

(Again, why ruin your Kitchenaid blender, when the microwave is so much easier to clean.)

5. Dance naked in front of your pets.

(In this instance, pets and your husband are NOT the same thing.)

6. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send her off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.

(I say you leave your toddler out of it and just head on over to Starbucks with that bikini top on backward. Guaranteed free coffee that day.)

7. Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

(I prefer to draw moustaches and muffin tops on the models in Marie Claire.)

8. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.

(This is why FEBREEZE was created.)

9. Drive to work in reverse.

(This may or may not be a good idea. Have your husband be the guinea pig. Or perhaps an in-law.)

10. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.

(Phone book’s subliminal message – “Throw me out. Use the Internet dumbass!”)

11. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.

(The internet really comes in handy with this one, no?)

12. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.

(If this were possible, I would be a very rich bitch right now. Excuse me while I put in my Gucci contact lenses.)

13. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the checkout counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.

(If someone could please do this for me and vlog it, I will buy you those box of condoms. And pay for your bail…maybe.)

Tagged as: How to Handle Stress, spring cleaning