Letters I Will Never Send

by MARIA on July 8, 2010

Dear Colin Firth,

Hello. My name is Maria – your future wife.

Love, Me

P.S. You look really cute in your jammies right now – don’t ever close your curtains.


Dear Ex-Boyfriend from a previous life,

You still owe me money from that dinner you took me to, and then conveniently forgot to bring your wallet.

Sincerely, Me (a.k.a. The one that should have run the other way after that crap date.)


Dear FedEx dude,

Thanks for bringing me my packages. Stop staring at my boobs.

Love, Me.


Dear Pervy Contractor Dude,

Thanks for dropping off your overpriced quote. Stop staring at my boobs.

Sincerely, Me

P.S. You are never coming into my house, unless you have one of those Face Off face switchoffs with Colin Firth.


Dear Movie Industry,

If you could make a flick starring Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Colin Firth, and make them nice, Greek boys that cook and clean and buy their wives handbags and Starbucks religiously, that would be super fun.

Love Me (a.k.a. The wife in need of some pervy material for those husband-is-travelling moments).


Dear Starbucks,

I still haven’t received one of those Free Starbucks for Life cards in the mail. I figure with the amount of lattes that I have purchased since having sleepless babies, I have successfully purchased enough shares to actually demand that damn card, so get with it.

Love Love Love, Me.

P.S. Don’t ever change.


Dear Husband,

The next time that I get woken up from a deep sleep, simply by the magnitude of your ass gas, be prepared for the carnage that follows.

Love Me

P.S. Old people sleep in separate beds (and rooms) for a reason dude.


Dear Hyenas that affectionately refer to me as Mommy,

Those toys on the floor don’t actually pick themselves up. Believe me I’ve tried – it’s the reason you’ll find me having a chit chat with your Buzz Lightyear after hours.

Love, The Mommy Management

P.S. Buzz Lightyear has asked that you stop groping him inappropriately. Also, he would like to be stored in the same drawer as Jesse. The dude has needs.

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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Loukia July 8, 2010 at 10:22 am

You kill me, Maria. So funny.


2 Caroline July 8, 2010 at 10:23 am

Love this, its brilliant, made me smile after a hard day :o)


3 Sandy (@sandyel) July 8, 2010 at 10:33 am

I love it!!!


4 Alyssa July 8, 2010 at 10:47 am

Haha I love it! You’re so funny Maria ;-))


5 Christina @RantRaveRoll July 8, 2010 at 11:53 am

At least the hubs didn’t pull the covers over your head.
Thanks for the laughs Maria!


6 LZ July 8, 2010 at 12:20 pm

You must have very nice boobs.
This would make me feel so much better…I may have to copy…


7 MissMom2U July 8, 2010 at 12:21 pm

That was too funny! Buzz has needs! Hahaha! And, in reference to your ‘ass gas’ sitchy, if he ever asks you if you know what a dutch oven is, run!


8 thenextmartha July 8, 2010 at 12:39 pm

Hey, if you’re never going to send them do you mind if I borrow a few of those for me to send?


9 Maria July 8, 2010 at 5:50 pm

Back off, get your own sandwich.


10 AZLB July 8, 2010 at 12:43 pm

too funny! I will be back to your blog for sure.


11 Maria July 8, 2010 at 5:50 pm

Yay! Thanks!


12 Sandy July 8, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Hilarious! You are a funny bunny.


13 Corinne July 8, 2010 at 6:13 pm

I love you, but you’ll have to go through me to get to Colin Firth ;)


14 Maria July 8, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Girl, I will TAKE YOU DOWN!!


15 Angel July 8, 2010 at 6:25 pm

That.was.perfection. I too have the boobs issue. It’s like they have never seen them or they have suddenly developed the ability to speak..lol


16 Finola July 8, 2010 at 9:05 pm

Sorry Ladies. Colin Firth is mine and I have already blogged about it. So there.


17 Elaine July 8, 2010 at 9:06 pm

I think I probably WOULD send that one letter to my husband. Just sayin’… ;-)


18 Lu July 8, 2010 at 9:25 pm

I have not been around much and have been missing you Maria. For many reasons, but mostly for posts like these. You got me smiling…that’s big right now.


19 Shannon @ AnchorMommy July 8, 2010 at 9:52 pm

Ha! Love it.

You really should send some of ‘em though…especially the one to Starbucks. They CLEARLY owe you.


20 Allison @ Alli 'n Son July 8, 2010 at 10:40 pm

Starbucks sends out free for life gift cards? I haven’t received mine yet either. What’s the hold up? ;-)


21 Jana July 9, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Starbucks can change. They can make their lattes CHEAPER! They’re going to send us all into the poor house. 2 dollars for an iced tea? You know how many pitchers I can make for that price? Aaah!


22 middleagedcrazywoman July 9, 2010 at 7:17 pm


Seriously – thanks for the laugh!



23 anthonytheboss July 10, 2010 at 7:56 am

LOVE LOVE LOVE the hubby one! I swear I may use it one day!



24 allisonzapata July 11, 2010 at 9:16 am

hahahahaha! love this idea!! love this post!


25 Pres. Kathy July 11, 2010 at 1:14 pm

You are too funny Maria!! Hope you are having a good summer!


26 Toni July 12, 2010 at 7:17 am

This will probably oust me of the inner circle…but I had to google Colin Firth to see who he was. LOL What? I don’t watch TV. Though, not closing the curtains would be a good idea. :)


27 Amber Smith July 12, 2010 at 9:35 am

Hahahaha, you are hilarious!


28 Jill July 12, 2010 at 10:04 pm

You can totally send that to your husband! In fact, I demand that you do. For women everywhere!


29 Crystal D July 12, 2010 at 11:28 pm

I could think of a few letters I need to write and not send.


30 Lisa MacColl July 13, 2010 at 9:21 am

Dear Husband
Fanning the covers after a dinner including beer and sauerkraut does NOT help “share the wealth.”

And take a number on Colin Firth…

Loved the toys comment. so true.

Thanks for a laugh on a day when I desperately needed one.


31 ParentClub July 13, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Dear Maria,

This post made my day.

From Me (aka Parent Club)


32 Melinda July 15, 2010 at 6:52 pm

Those are hysterical! I think you deserve the Starbucks card!


33 Lisa MacColl July 16, 2010 at 11:18 am
34 BeachMama July 28, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Oh my goodness, these letters are hilarious.


35 ttbym July 2, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Hilarious! Laughed so much!

I am following your blog now. Come and by and visit the Mega Toddler Giveaway that I am hosting now!



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