Jul
13

Things I never thought I would say as a Mother

by MARIA on July 13, 2010

1. STOP SAYING WEINER!

2. Stop touching your butt when you’re on the toilet!

3. No honey, that’s not a baby in there, it’s the cheeseburger I had at lunch.

4. Stop screaming or I will move out!

5. Stop trying to maim your sister!

6. Why was there a piece of Lego in your underwear?

7. Eat your dinner or you will never see another lollipop as long as I live. Or at least until tomorrow.

8. Stop saying butt in every sentence! Also boobies, my thing, and winky dink are also off limits!

9. If you lick him one more time, you’re on the naughty step!

10. Dora isn’t on television anymore honey – she’s moved on. Oh look, Oprah!

11. Daddy and I are already married, so no we are not going to get married again. I mean, things are so blissful, why mess with perfection? What does perfection mean? Never mind.

12. Please stop giving me your boogies okay? That’s why Mommy has 20 boxes of kleenex all over the house!

13. Lock the door or the boogeyman will come in and steal all the good toys!

14. Listen child, I don’t care if you’re “DONE”, wipe your own butt!

15. No seriously, I used to be a really hot number about 8 years ago.

16. Stop screaming! I’m just trying to wash your dreadlocks!

17. If you eat your dinner, Mommy will take you to Starbucks so she can get a coffee, and live to see another day.

18. Get back here right now, or I will utter some threat that will have zero effect on you!!!

19. Is this the freakin’  Twilight zone?

20. Yes, I love you, even when I’m screaming, and even when you’re screaming, but I love you just a tad less when you’re throwing up.

21. Yes I will come back – I promise. No I don’t have a suitcase for any particular reason – just practicing my timing.

22. Yes I love Daddy – even when he farts.

23. No, you can scratch your own butt.

24. You have to drink your milk otherwise you won’t grow up big and strong and become a doctor. Or a wrestler.

25. Mommy isn’t crying – she’s just cleaning out her pores. It’s the reverse facial honey.

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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

1 nicole July 13, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Ha!

I’ve had to yell at mine to “get out of the closet” more than once. ;)

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2 Elaine July 13, 2010 at 5:06 pm

the lego in the undies cracked me up! I’m quite surprised that’s never happened here. Now a sticker, I’ve found a couple of those…

Love these!

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3 amotherworld July 13, 2010 at 5:06 pm

Here are mine:

Stop touching your penis.

Put your penis back in your pants.

Well if you stop touching your penis, it won’t be big.

No you can’t touch mommy’s boobies, they are private.
:D

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4 Maria July 13, 2010 at 5:10 pm

OMG – Maria, you are so in trouble!!

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5 Angela July 13, 2010 at 6:38 pm

Omigod. I utter those phrases at least 25 times/week if not a day. “Stop touching your penis” or “Get your hands off your penis” are the big winners followed closely by “No, you can’t see my ‘gina’” and “No, I don’t have a penis”.

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6 Sarah July 13, 2010 at 7:03 pm

last night, I said “Nanni doesn’t have testicles”

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7 Pres. Kathy July 13, 2010 at 5:14 pm

You are too funny! I always say, “stop scratching your butt!”

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8 Michele - The Professional Family Manager July 13, 2010 at 5:39 pm

I have girls–a teenager, a tweenager, and a seven-year-old. I haven’t had any penis issues to deal with, but here are a few I’ve faced recently:

1)Turn that noise down!
2)I don’t care if heavy metal isn’t as offensive as music today–it’s still offensive so turn it off!
3)No, you can’t buy a pair of Daisy Dukes even just to wear around the house as a “confidence booster.”
4)Your father is *my* husband. Go get your own. (In reference to the seven-year-old who hangs on him.)
5)Mom has a glass of wine at dinner to counteract the whine at the dinner table.

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9 Caroline July 14, 2010 at 2:03 am

I am so with you on this !! Though I relate to the others to, what mad person has a 11 year age gap between her kids !! Lol

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10 Carabee July 13, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Too funny!

What I JUST said: Please stop licking my leg, you are not a puppy.

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11 Sunday July 13, 2010 at 6:13 pm

I am so happy to hear that I am not the only mom who tells her kids to stop touching their butt when they are on the toilet, in public, or otherwise busy doing something.

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12 a bourbon for silvia July 13, 2010 at 6:21 pm

“if you want to touch yourself, do it in your own room…

… NO!, l cant come with you so you can fondle with my boobs and my belly”

LittleDumbass (4)

This list was hysterical

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13 Alyssa July 13, 2010 at 6:31 pm

Yet another gem from funny BoredMommy ;-)

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14 Sarah July 13, 2010 at 7:05 pm

Man, the things that come out of my mouth that I never thought I’d say!

“where is the rest of the poop” is my personal fave followed closely by “how did the poop get on the gate if your hands are clean?”

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15 Maria July 13, 2010 at 7:13 pm

Yeah, anything poop-related is a real mood killer.

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16 Mishelle July 13, 2010 at 7:14 pm

OMG!! My list is just like yours! Especially the booger one… why I need to have them I have no idea, especially on my shirt…

M

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17 Velma July 13, 2010 at 8:50 pm

I think 17 is my fav!!!!!

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18 pamela July 13, 2010 at 8:54 pm

You nailed every single one.

You forgot “stop peeing on the carpet!”

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19 Allison @ Alli 'n Son July 13, 2010 at 9:06 pm

A favorite comment around my house is, “please get your fingers out of your butt”. We are in the throws of potty training.

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20 becca July 13, 2010 at 9:20 pm

Hysterical!
My faves around here are:

– Stop looking inside of your vagina.
- Stop slapping his butt
– Stop staring at his penis
– If you make me wipe your butt one more time I’ll make you wipe mine
– You are seriously a crazy person. A very little, but very crazy person
– After you wipe please throw the paper in the toilet, not the garbage

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21 Maria July 13, 2010 at 9:37 pm

Stop looking inside of your vagina???? OMG – I spit out my drink with that one.

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22 Deborah/ @Mom2Michael July 13, 2010 at 9:26 pm

OMG. Thank you Maria. I laughed so hard! This hits just too close to home :-)

Current faves around here:

“Do you have to pee? Then why are you touching yourself?”
“Mommy’s boobies are private. Stop touching them.”
“I’m changing my name and moving to Nunavut!” (In response to the incessant cries of “Mooommmyy!”)

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23 Christina @RantRaveRoll July 13, 2010 at 11:49 pm

Boobies, butts, and boogies…. yep, I remember those days well.

Now it’s more like…
“What happened to the money I gave you yesterday?”
“I have no idea where you put your iPod. Did you look by your cell phone”
“If you keep putting pens in your pockets you will eventually stab yourself in the ass or lose a nut”
“I suggest you learn how to do it yourself, because mommy is going to college with you”

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24 Michelle July 14, 2010 at 12:57 am

good one!
I uttered the sentence “stop rubbing bacon on the couch a couple weeks ago ”
that is something that I thought I’d NEVER say!

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25 Caroline July 14, 2010 at 2:01 am

Here’s my addition from the uk x

Son stop pulling your brothers bottom cheeks apart there is nothing hiding in there

Will you two stop pulling each others willies you’ll pull them off

Yes they are my boobies and they are neither punching bags or pillows so get off

Please just give me 5 minutes to go to the loo.!

You are 12 no you can not have your own makeup bag and stop stealing mine !!!

Where’s the hairdryer ??? Oh the baby is blow drying his hair with it

Would you tell this boy you loved him if he was standing here, then why tell him over the web you crazy person !!!

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26 Tara July 14, 2010 at 8:48 am

So funny – only I wasn’t asking about Lego, but why there was a blue marker in his diaper, open.

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27 Stephanie R July 14, 2010 at 9:06 am

LOL!!!!!! I love #8

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28 thenextmartha July 14, 2010 at 9:09 am

I’m gonna steal “stop screaming or I’m moving out”

Now that is some good stuff. I really needed to expand my threats. Thanks.

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29 Annie Y July 14, 2010 at 9:45 am

This is freaking great!
My top line these days is
Please stop feeling me up!
(My 2yo is bewb obsessed!)

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30 Sandy (@sandyel) July 14, 2010 at 12:02 pm

Awesome!

I need to add something my 4 yo says in response to me saying, “you can touch your penis in private”… 4yo: “I just have an itch that I have to scratch. ok mommy?”

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31 Meanest Mom on the Block July 14, 2010 at 12:17 pm

Dying! Who DOES ever think they will utter these words?! Just this morning I heard myself say, “Guns and knives are NOT allowed at the table. Yes, I’m serious. If you don’t remove them know, I’ll use them against you. Try me.” Tender moments brought to you by Mom.

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32 Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos July 14, 2010 at 1:08 pm

This is all sooooo true! I love it!

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33 coffee with julie July 14, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Oh yeah! These are soooo good! I’ll need to steal a few. But hopefully I will never need to use the one from a commenter about “stop rubbing bacon on the couch!” haha! Mine? “Yes, Mommy’s tummy is soft and mushy, but please stop telling me that and don’t lift up my shirt to show people in public.”

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34 Shannon @ AnchorMommy July 14, 2010 at 4:09 pm

LOVE it!!!

Lately I find myself saying, “If you don’t stop doing X,Y, Z right now…..” then I just trail off while thinking of an appropriate threat, hoping that the mere act of saying that will make him stop.

It doesn’t work. But I keep saying it, damn it.

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35 SaucyB September 10, 2010 at 8:31 am

Good stuff! lol let’s see, I haven’t found anything in the undies yet, but i did find a matchbox car in the crisper drawer of my fridge.

And I bartered good behavior while I was getting a manicure for a trip to the toy store.

The things we doo… ;-)

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36 melonbelly September 10, 2010 at 8:57 am

Happy to have found you from TMC! :) I’m a follower now!

Come on over! http://www.melonbelly.blogspot.com

I wrote about “My Kids Will NEVER”…

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37 NotJustAnotherJennifer September 10, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Too funny! Yes, the things I find myself saying as a mom are too bizarre. Though mostly it’s the kids’ comments that are weird, and I’m not always sure how to respond. Like when my preschooler said she was stinky the other day “because Jesus made her that way.” I really have no idea what to say to that….

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38 Chilledmama December 1, 2010 at 10:10 am

So funny thanks for the laugh!
All sound so familiar – to my hubby as well as my son ;)
17. is my favourite, however I offer the use of my iphone so that i can have 5 mins to savour my Starbucks :)

Vicki

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39 Allison Killins March 4, 2011 at 2:05 pm

“Where’s your Woody”? to son,4 years, who just got a toy woody doll for his birthday.

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40 Michelle May 20, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Very cute. Brought back a lot of memories. My oldest graduates college this weekend and I remember saying things just like ths to him when he was little. Boy I miss those days.

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41 Steph B August 8, 2011 at 11:11 pm

This was actually to my nephew: “That was so nice of you sharing, but the baby can’t have McDonald’s fries”

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42 meghan gale March 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

hahahaha, I loved this! I find myself saying things all the time and then thinking, G, bet I never thought Id say something like that lol

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43 MARIA March 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

THanks Meghan!

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