1. STOP SAYING WEINER!
2. Stop touching your butt when you’re on the toilet!
3. No honey, that’s not a baby in there, it’s the cheeseburger I had at lunch.
4. Stop screaming or I will move out!
5. Stop trying to maim your sister!
6. Why was there a piece of Lego in your underwear?
7. Eat your dinner or you will never see another lollipop as long as I live. Or at least until tomorrow.
8. Stop saying butt in every sentence! Also boobies, my thing, and winky dink are also off limits!
9. If you lick him one more time, you’re on the naughty step!
10. Dora isn’t on television anymore honey – she’s moved on. Oh look, Oprah!
11. Daddy and I are already married, so no we are not going to get married again. I mean, things are so blissful, why mess with perfection? What does perfection mean? Never mind.
12. Please stop giving me your boogies okay? That’s why Mommy has 20 boxes of kleenex all over the house!
13. Lock the door or the boogeyman will come in and steal all the good toys!
14. Listen child, I don’t care if you’re “DONE”, wipe your own butt!
15. No seriously, I used to be a really hot number about 8 years ago.
16. Stop screaming! I’m just trying to wash your dreadlocks!
17. If you eat your dinner, Mommy will take you to Starbucks so she can get a coffee, and live to see another day.
18. Get back here right now, or I will utter some threat that will have zero effect on you!!!
19. Is this the freakin’ Twilight zone?
20. Yes, I love you, even when I’m screaming, and even when you’re screaming, but I love you just a tad less when you’re throwing up.
21. Yes I will come back – I promise. No I don’t have a suitcase for any particular reason – just practicing my timing.
22. Yes I love Daddy – even when he farts.
23. No, you can scratch your own butt.
24. You have to drink your milk otherwise you won’t grow up big and strong and become a doctor. Or a wrestler.
25. Mommy isn’t crying – she’s just cleaning out her pores. It’s the reverse facial honey.