If there is one thing that I can say about myself, it is that I am an empathetic person. I feel real empathy for others, whether I know them or not. I hurt for people I’ve never met, and cry for others’ loss and pain. It’s really exhausting sometimes honestly, but I would rather be empathetic and caring, than the opposite. I can attribute this trait to my mom and dad 100%. Although my siblings and I may be different in many ways, we are very similar in that we all share this trait. From a very young age, we were taught to treat people kindly, and to never, ever point out people’s differences or make people feel badly about themselves. And this stayed with all of us, and I’m grateful and proud to be that type of person.
And now I’m a parent, with two young children who are now at that age, where they have begun to notice people’s differences, and I want to make sure that I am able to instill the same respect for all people, in them, as my parents did with me.
I was at the bank yesterday, and while I was with the teller, the kids were sitting in some chairs waiting for me. Waiting in the line was a young man with Down’s Syndrome, who was very interested in the kids. He was staring at them and giggling with my youngest, and playing peek a boo with her. He was clearly enjoying their energy, and it was really sweet to watch. However, my 6 year old son ran over to me to tell me that he was being stared at, and that it bugged him, and oh yeah that the boy staring at him looked different. He then ran back to his seat and waited for me to be finished.
When I was done, we walked back to the car, and I took it upon myself to talk about the fact that the world is made up of people that look different, and what a wonderful thing that is, and that no matter what the person looks like, the most important thing is how we treat that person, regardless of their differences in appearance.
I’ll be honest – I’m not sure that I dealt with that moment the best way I could. I don’t want to be that parent that just hushes their kid and says don’t stare, as if someone with Down’s for example, should simply be ignored to avoid a possible uncomfortable moment. That’s not the message I want to send to my kids.
So what do you say? How do you teach your children about our differences? How do you handle a situation where your child might be a little too loud when pointing out someone’s skin color, or weight, or disability, or whatever the case may be? I really would love to hear about your experiences and/or advice. I really think the way we handle these situations is an incredibly important teaching moment for our children.
Looking forward to wait to hear your thoughts!
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I worked out a system that works best for us after about 600 million really mortifying moments with my little ones: hushing them instinctively and apologizing profusely.
For me, it was about making sure I acknowledged their curiosity, the same way I usually do and making sure that they understood differences in people and how not be hurtful. So I started answering their questions right there, at that moment.
For example; If they see someone in a wheelchair, we explain how it helps the person get around and then discuss how fast we could get to different places having our own set of personal wheels. If the person happens to notice, I’ll ask them if it’s okay that I explain the use of the wheelchair, or if they’d like to do it themselves. I have never had a person object to this. If the kids have additional questions, I will answer them in the car, just so that we aren’t dwelling and making the person feel bad. It has made things much easier and we’ve avoided embarrassing and potentially hurtful moments.
Our technique is to acknowledge the “difference”, encourage understanding and learn of the person’s situation (I always offer to look up information, if I don’t know much about an affliction/condition etc) and move on as quickly as possible at the same time, lol.
I hope that helps a little!
This is great advice – thanks so much!
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, too! And, incidentally, @raisingboychick just linked to a great post about this very thing written from the perspective of someone in a wheelchair. I plan on using her advice, which is to just be honest and upfront and let the one “with the difference” set the tone, to a certain extent; and to trust the process for children and their curiosity (http://badgermama.com/kids-and-wheelchair-manners/).
Whenever Hollis and I encounter someone “different” I struggle, too. I encourage him to look, I acknowledge the newness of the situation and tell him that people come in all different varieties, but I still squirm. I am trying really, really hard to NOT shush him or keep him from being 3 and wondrous, but I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing.
There’s also this guest-post by Ellen on @phdinparenting’s blog that I loved http://www.phdinparenting.com/2009/09/10/how-you-should-treat-my-child-with-special-needs/.
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Thanks Jessica – I will definitely check those posts out! I struggle between responding to their curiosity, and educating them without hurting someone’s feeling or putting someone on the spot. Also, I have to remember that I’m dealing with a 3yo and 6yo as well.
I’m careful to explain why/how to a limited, kid-friendly extent, because I believe that if they understand how the world works, they can be more accepting of that. so I tell them that people’s bodies come with instructions from before they are born about how they will look, and that usually, they look much like their parents. i tell her that different people from different parts of the world look a little different because their bodies developed to handle their surroundings. That sort of thing – simple versions.
And then I explain that we don’t comment on people’s appearance in general unless we are complimenting them because we don’t know if someone might be self-conscious about something that makes them look different, and we would hate to make them feel bad. I give an example. Something like, that lady who is larger might be fine with that, she might like that about herself, or she might not like that about herself, and we might make her feel uncomfortable by pointing it out.
It’s long-winded, yes, but I try to keep it to a few sentences, and I think it’s important to explain, so that they learn for next time not that mom is going to tell them to be quiet (I won’t always be there!), but to think about the person’s feelings before piping up with their observations.
This is fantastic – thanks so much for your comment.
I find if I am matter of fact and try to link to their own experiences, the staring stops. If they gawk at a person in a wheelchair, I say “that person just needs help getting around, just like I have to wear glasses to help me see.” My kids reply with an “oh,” and we go on our merry way!
People have given you great advice. I think it boils down to acknowledging their questions and keeping answers simple.
I do think it’s important to acknowledge the childs’ curiousity, and not shush them. My son is a gawker… and will stare… but he also gawks at the stars in the sky, and any kind of cat. I try to acknowledge differences in a matter of fact way.
I can only hope I’m doing it “right”.
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I think the fact that you acknowledge and recognize the importance is the most important step really. My kid stares at everything too – until his eyes glaze over and you think he might be sleeping.
We’re encountering this now with M. There is a girl in her class who uses a walker. On the first day of school, a little boy flat out asked what was wrong with her, and the mom answered, “Her legs don’t work the same way yours do, so she needs a little help from her walker.” Simple, straightforward, and correct.
I’m going to try to adapt this to each situation. Asked about skin color? “Everyone looks different from one another.” Disability? I’ll just be honest and explain in simple terms that he/she needs help walking, standing, seeing.
I imagine that this approach would feel best to those on the other end. Seeing that someone isn’t trying to hide the fact that their child has an issue or to sugarcoat anything.
The one thing I’m seriously worried about is when one of them points out a very heavy person. How do you work around that one? Somehow, I don’t think, ‘People come in all sizes’ will cut it on that one.
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We’ve actually already dealt with the weight issue – one of his classmates last year pointed out that his mom (ie. me) was fat. Nicholas told me about it that day after school, and was extremely upset about it, and told me that he defended my honour and told the boy that what he said was rude and hurt his feelings, and would hurt mine. I’ll be honest, I felt extremely upset that my son was put in that position, and actually blame myself, not the little boy. So, I guess that makes my son sensitive to it, because he’s never mentioned it about anyone we’ve encountered. Having said that, I would have zero tolerance to them doing something like that to someone
Thank you for asking this question Maria! I often wonder what I’ll tell my kid once she starts noticing differences in other children. We encounter children with differences at the playground and while she is too young to really notice their behavior I see it and wonder how I should react. Pretending that we’re all the same is counter-productive but I never know how to point out differences without looking like an asshole.
Exactly. It can be a fine line for sure. Each situation is different, but I’m careful to be respectful and yet only tell them what they need to know, while also trying to instill empathy. This mothering gig is hard dammit.
It is so hard to know what the right thing to do is. I was at the grocery store when my 2.5 year old daughter would not stop staring at an over weight, disabled girl with very dark skin. I try to hurry down a different isle when she pointed and announced in her outside voice “Mommy, that boy looks weird”. I was mortified but I stopped there and told her it was very rude to point and what she said hurt the girls feeling and made her sad. We had a talk in the car on how people come in all different shapes and colours and she has never pionted at anyone agian.
We have dealt with this as well. We were at the park one day and an adult-sized person was at the park but was not acting like my daughter expected an adult to act. His actions and mannerisms were that of a child. He was trying to talk to her and I could tell by her body language and the look on her face that she wasn’t sure what to make of it all. After they left (he was with another adult), my daughter commented about him. I explained that everyone is different…different sizes, hair colour, abilities, etc. Fortunately at such a young age (she was 4 at the time), she accepted that answer. I know that these questions are only going to get harder over time. I just want my children to be aware of difference and be accepting of them.
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That’s exactly what I would do as well – every situation will be different, and hopefully we will be able to deal with each one as they come. Thanks for sharing!
Honestly, I have no idea. My son has Autism and I don’t know how I am even going to tell him that HE is different. Tough one huh?
But he has noticed a color difference. My husband is black and I am white and he has asked which he is. So we had a short but sweet and informative talk about him being a mix and everyone being different. It went well considering he is only 3.
But the special needs/handicapped issue will be hard. One saving grace for me is that he is in a class with other special needs kids, some of whom are disabled and he accepts it without even noticing. Maybe he never will! He will just accept that is how it is. Some of his friends don’t talk yet, even at age 4 and he just says, oh, so and so doesn’t talk yet. Doesn’t ask why or make a big deal, just accepts it.
Wow, sorry for the novel…
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