30 Days of Truth – Day One

As I’m sure you’ve seen all over the web, there are many people participating in the 30 Days of Truth meme. Personally, I saw it on the lovely Faiqa’s glorious site here – and I’m glad I did. It is no surprise to anyone that reads my blog, that I’ve been less than inspired lately, so I thought this might be the kick I need to push me toward getting back into it again. I will admit that I am that person that keeps most real personal things to herself, so being really forthcoming is going to be a challenge. If you feel compelled to do so, I say join in and start it whenever you like – my friend, the delightful Lynette from My Messy Paradise is joining me in starting this today, so make sure to check her out as well.

So here are the prompts for the next 30 days:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

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DAY ONE: Something I HATE about myself

I can’t lie – this one is too easy for me. In fact there are many things I could write here – so many that I didn’t really know which one to focus on. I guess that’s a sad fact in itself. Instead of listing every thing I truly hate about myself, I thought instead I would just write about the most obvious one – obvious to those people who know me anyway.

My body.

I hate it. Hate might not be a strong enough word. More accurate might be I loathe it, or perhaps, I absolutely despise it.

If I’m to be totally honest, there is actually isn’t a single thing about it that I don’t hate. But what I hate most of all is that I’ve spent a better part of the last decade being almost obsessed with how much I hate it. What a waste of time. I have spent so much energy being angry with myself about it, that if I had put even the tiniest fraction of that energy toward getting it back to where I wanted it to be, I would have been there by now, if not years ago.

Weight is a funny thing – the ultimate roller coaster for one’s emotions. I was thin for most of my life, right up until my late 20s, and then I got pregnant.

Weight went up.

Then I had the baby.

Weight went down – but not all the way.

Then I got pregnant again.

Back up we go.

Then I had the baby, and hello, overweight stranger.

And instead of losing it, instead of telling myself that I could do it, that it can be done, I talked myself into believing that I was never going to be thin like that again. And so it went, and after years of telling myself that, well it just kept climbing. Sadly, if you give up on yourself, if you put others first, if you forget about yourself completely, one day you wake up and you are way overweight. And the absolute worst thing about it is, I can’t actually put the blame on anything or anyone else – because it’s all me.

And now, I’ve come to an impasse, a fork in the fat road, where I need to finally make a decision on what to do about it.  I’ve missed too many special occasions, and avoided too many family photos not to make a change. Despite my age, I’ve always felt much younger than I actually am – but physically right now, I feel like an OLD lady. And that smile everyone sees, and the jokes and sarcasm that everyone hears – truth be told, it’s getting just a little harder to keep it up.

I hate my body – it’s true.  Despite it’s miraculous ability to birth my beloved children, and keep me alive to this point, it is hated. But now I will choose to work toward changing that hate to something else – respect, admiration, like, and maybe even love.

Because hate is such an ugly thing. Uglier than my body will ever be.

Tagged as: 30 Days of Truth, Day one, hate about myself, meme, my body, my weight