Apr
11

Fifty Shades of Grey – A Review

by MARIA on April 11, 2012

Let me start by saying that when I picture Christian Grey – I see this guy:

That’s my vote, Hollywood.

*

I read all three books over the Easter weekend.

It’s not that hard (that’s what she said) – they’re a quick read.

So without giving much away because I don’t want to spoil it for you, I actually liked these books. I went in knowing that I wasn’t reading Anais Nin or Henry Miller (erotica for snobs), but a fun, probably dirty/sexy/pervy read, and that’s exactly what it was. Some parts are hilariously farfetched but who cares when they’re balanced out with some dirty goodness.

Yes, they have problems – the writing in parts, is just bad. Spelling mistakes and bad grammar were everywhere. Were these actually edited before pubishing? If they were, that editor needs to be fired or get new glasses. Anastasia Steele, the main female character says, “Holy Shit, Holy Cow, Holy Hell, and Holy F*ck” constantly, and at the most ridiculous moments of this book. Seriously, one way to improve this book – erase every instance of those words. Already better.

Another example of a bad choice of words:  MEWL and MEWLING and MEWLED — if I never see these words again unless referring to a CAT, it would be fine by me. (Insert groans here – and not the good kind)

Also, when you use the word “ARGH!” to describe a response to hot guy giving you the sexy time, I don’t think sexy, I think pirate. Not good.

Finally, “WHOA” needs to never ever be used in your dirty writings people – because all I see is Joey and Blossom. Just wrong.

*

Christian Grey, the main hot dude, is kind of a heartbreaker in this book. Yes, he’s rich and insanely good looking and perhaps a tad bossy (ahem), but he has a tragic soul and a heartbreaking background. It makes sense that he was written this way when you see how his relationship develops, but at parts, I felt sad for him. I may have teared up a couple of times as well. The sexiest part of this guy? He responds to your email promptly, answers your phone calls even when he’s at work, and he plays the piano while wearing sexy pyjama bottoms. How sexy is that? This person is clearly NOT REAL. Oh, and he has magic fingers.

He might make your lady bits tingle, and if he doesn’t, you need to get that checked by a doctor, a.s.a.p.

Yes, there are other characters in the book, like the driver and the cook and the slutty architect but these books are really all about Mr. Grey. Oh, and Ms. Steele, but her mewling and Holy Cow talk only gets in the way of your dirty imagination, so try to focus on him. These are meant to be a fun read – for the beach, or when your husband chooses his XBOX over you.

Lady porn. It’s what’s for dinner.

*

What did you think?

 

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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

1 nicole April 11, 2012 at 5:42 pm

All of a sudden I see people talking about these books. I had not heard of them before all the Twitter talk. I think I’ll pass. I prefer my poorly edited romance to be in the teen genre. I’m a prude. ;)

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2 MARIA April 11, 2012 at 5:45 pm

You’re too funny, Nicole. Yes, if you consider yourself a prude, these books are definitely not for you. :)

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3 Sarah May 15, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I agree with you Nicole. I stopped reading romance novels because they are so far beyond reality. I’m not prude, but I’d rather not be prude with someone I actually love… not just lust. So, this is not a book for me.

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4 MARIA May 15, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Sarah, believe me when I say, these are definitely NOT romance novels – but they are so easy to make fun of and laugh at that I find them irresistible in that sense.

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5 Beth April 11, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I just posted about this book as well – however, I would totally cast Paul Walker as Christian. (Go ahead, Google him, I’ll wait.) See? My guy TOTALLY beats your guy! And that sweet innocent looking girl from Soul Surfer.

Or Vampire Eric from True Blood.

I agree with your comments about the editing – how about the uses of very British terms – “satchel”, anyone? Oy.

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6 MARIA April 11, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Paul Walker? Really? No way. Thor…all the way.

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7 Michelle April 11, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I so desperately wanted to slide into this book and get lost for an entire evening in all of it’s smuttiness. However, I was brought to a startling turn-off by page 4, her writing is so grade 4! She writes exactly the way the thoughts form in her head….which is terrific for facebook status updates, twitter posts, or, on this case, my response to your blog entry……but it is not what I expect from a novel that I paid good money for.
But……smut wins in the end, and I will be giving it another chance (WHOA!)

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8 MARIA April 11, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Ahahaha. Smut wins in the end. True dat.

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9 Alison Pentland April 11, 2012 at 6:26 pm

It’s sounds like the perfect “summer” read – I wonder if they’ll have it at the public library ;)

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10 LZ April 11, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Twitchy palms!

Glad you jumped on the Grey train. I seriously couldn’t believe it when he whipped out the contract. I thought it had to be a joke but couldn’t put the book down. Quality writing or not, she did a fantastic job of making you feel the spark (or forest fire) between Christian and Ana. I was hooked until the middle of the last book. Then I just read to see how it wrapped up.

I give it a 69 out of 100.

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11 MARIA April 11, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Twitchy palms! I agree – she did a great job at creating a hot fantasy.

69 out of 100. You are hilarious.

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12 LZ April 11, 2012 at 6:52 pm

ps – I think your pick for Christian is perfect. If Ryan Gosling is cast, the way everyone is suggesting, I just won’t buy it.

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13 MARIA April 11, 2012 at 6:55 pm

If they pick Ryan Gosling, it will SUCK. They have to pick someone who is recognizable and crazy hot, but not uber famous, or it won’t work.

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14 LZ April 11, 2012 at 6:57 pm

exactly. I think Chris Pine would work, too. It’s all about the eyes.

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15 MARIA April 11, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Chris Pine? Not a fan. Maybe Colin Firth? I’d see that on a loop.

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16 Beth April 11, 2012 at 7:37 pm

How many times do I need to tell you? Colin is MINE! ;)

17 Harriet April 11, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I think you might be hilarious. *MEWL!* (Did I spell that right?)

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18 MARIA April 11, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Mewling is for cats dammit!! Mewl – what the hell?

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19 ddigerati April 11, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Thor is hot!!! Captain America is too =) This definitely enticed me to read the books. Better order from Amazon, I’ll think the cashier will be too judgy if I pick up from the bookstore!

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20 MARIA April 11, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Thor is beyond hot. He’s perfect – the eyes alone. Oh My Gah!

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21 MidniteShades April 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I agree he is beyond hot; I can think of several roles I’d like him to be in ;)

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22 lady v April 12, 2012 at 10:18 am

I see him too, and my thoughts exactly on the book. Good not great fanfiction.

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23 Sandy April 12, 2012 at 11:45 am

You are too funny. I’m on the 2nd chapter and struggling to get through it. I know there is smut in my future so I will soldier on. ;) Did you know that this started as Twilight fan fiction? I can’t get past that. hahahaha I don’t know who I would cast… Your pick is hawt, but I am a lover of Ryan Gosling… hmmmm.

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24 MARIA April 12, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Yeah that Twilight fan fiction aspect is a turn off so I choose to ignore it. :)

It can’t be Ryan Gosling, it has to be someone a bit more obscure, but hotter.

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25 Sandy April 12, 2012 at 11:46 am

oh… and Colin is too old for this role. Sorry that I had to be the one to tell you. :)

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26 MARIA April 12, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I know he’s too old for the role, but dammit…Mr. Grey with an English accent? He wouldn’t even need the handcuffs with that added bonus.

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27 Teresa I. April 12, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I know who I prefer but I’ll keep that to myself, but Henry Cavill would be nice!

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28 MARIA April 12, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Seriously, if they pick the vampire, I’m SO not going to watch!!! :)

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29 MidniteShades April 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I’m so with you Teresa :) ……….but Maria, I’d prefer to respect him by using his real name, so many reviews are based on ‘that’ series which basically is a cop out ;) At the end of the day it came from FF, so what, big deal! That was the author’s choice, it’s smutt pure and simple, however it manofested itself. Ever wonder where authors get their inspiration, it isn’t all the romantic stereotypical pondering in the early hours ;)

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30 MidniteShades April 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I love Chris Hemsworth ‘Thor’, but for me he always belongs to the character ‘Jamie’ in the Outlander (CrossStitch) books! At the moment there is only one man for the part, but I don’t know that I want to see him do it :) It’s a shame the books were edited to say Holy Cow! If the original words couldn’t be kept, then perhaps it should have been completely renamed! Cos let me tell you, you are always thinking of what it should be and that is annoying. I am so not bothered about the grammer in this book, it sooooo wasn’t written for that ;)

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31 Sandy April 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

What is it supposed to say? (Holy Cow)

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32 MidniteShades April 12, 2012 at 1:05 pm

She only really said Holy Crap in the original, I think the edited published versions seemed to change the flow of the books at little because of the cutting out of certain words. :)

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33 Elaine April 12, 2012 at 12:41 pm

My Mom’s group has started reading these but not sure I’m into it… I mean I guess I could be and it would probably make Tim happy but I’m already behind on my reading!!

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34 MARIA April 12, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Ha. You’re too funny Elaine.

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35 Mish April 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm

As poorly written as these books were….they sucked me right in. It was Christian’s character that enticed me all the way. Couldn’t put them down…and I still scratch my head wondering why. The smut was redundant..so redundant that usually I skimmed through those parts quickly just because if you’ve read one of her “scenes” you’ve read them all….but I still loved the air of authority Grey had. I also found myself calling my husband by his surname MR.______ much more frequently…LOL and wishing he would flirt with me, the way Grey flirted with HIS wife. :)

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36 Carolsue September 4, 2012 at 4:30 am

I just finished the third book. Yes, bad juvenile writing — but there was an actual plot and I enjoyed it. I don’t see Christian as being abusive cause Ana seemed to want it more than he did! And the BDSM stuff was not as prominent as you are led to believe. More talk than action. The sex scenes were redundant, though — it was like, “Oh God, here we go again.” I want to nominate these phrases for the “Most Annoying, Ridiculous, Overused Phrases Ever.”
1) “My sex” — As in, “He ran his hand over my sex?” Wha?????
2) Christian’s “happy trail.” OMG.
3) “Oh crap!” “Double Crap!” “Triple Crap!” and “Jeez.”
4) Clamboring (I clambored into the car)
5) My Inner Goddess
6) “Oh My!” whenever Christian dropped his drawers.
Ms. James — BUY A THESAURUS
I nominate Patrick Wilson for Christian and Kristin Stewart for naive, dumb little Ana. But HOW IN THE WORLD can this be made into a mainstream movie without leaving out 75% of the content? On the other hand, maybe that’s not a BAD thing???

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37 Carolsue September 4, 2012 at 4:32 am

Oh. I forgot to add LATERS, BABY to my list.

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38 Michelle October 26, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I totally agree with everything you said about these books Maria. I read them as well over the course of a weekend. My pick for “Christian” is also the same, it’s just sad that the movie will be terrible or it could go the other way but you’ll have to go in the back room to get it…..

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