If you don’t know who Schmidt is, then you need to sit down and watch some New Girl episodes. He’s an adorable snob, a funny but odd ladies’ man and the reason the Douchebag Jar was created.
“Dammit! Been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It’s like a taffy pole on a hot summer’s day.”
“Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!”
“You are a gynecologist and a lesbian. This makes you a vagenius.”
“I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’.”
2. RON SWANSON
Parks and Recreation is my favorite show and I have a total crush on Ron Swanson – I love him intensely. He’s weird, permanently grumpy, and hilariously honest. Also, the man loves his meat.
“The next thing you’ll want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.”
“There’s been a mistake. You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.”
“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”
3. LOUIS LITT
Suits is a relatively new show I’ve discovered via the husband and it is fantastic. It’s based in a law firm and Louis Litt is one of the lawyers. He’s kind of a jerk, and a total weirdo but he’s really just a big, odd teddy bear who really loves his cat. He’s also very funny and that always wins out. You need to see him in action to fully appreciate his character.
“Somebody wants to get Litt-Up!”
“He out me’d me.”
“Files are for pussies.”
“If you were a narcissist with great hair, what would your password be?”
Stefon is the funniest SNL character – hands down. It’s a shame he isn’t in every episode because Bill Hader is a genius. Also, I want him to be my best girlfriend.
“New York’s hottest club is Taste. Nightlife designer Tranny Griffith is back with the all new club that answers the question, “HUHHH? Don’t look for a bouncer, there isn’t one. Instead, the door is guarded by ten jacked homeless guys in old fashioned bathing suits.And inside is just sick, ice sculpture, winos, Gurmfs (German Smurfs), a teddy ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady with kitten play-hair, and none other than DJ Baby Bok Choy… He’s a giant 300 lbs Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses and he spins records with his little ravioli hands.”
“New York’s hottest club is TRASH. After you step through the stainless steel door to this meat-packing hot spot, you’ll be greeted by none other than Pierre, the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything – clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in – there’s no password. At the door just do the Cosby face.”
5. JAX TELLER
Jax made the top five because honestly, he is just delicious man candy. Also, he’s so damn good on Sons of Anarchy – a total scary badass one minute and a smile that will kill you dead the next.
Instead of favorite quotes, let’s stare at him a little while.
And one more for good luck (when good luck means dirty thoughts).
I think I need some alone time now.
So let’s hear it – who are your favorite TV men??