Category Archives: Laugh

The Funny Six Year Old – Future Drama Queen Or Soap Opera Actress

30th May 2013

My funny six year old is a character.

She sings all day long and most of the time, it’s something she’s come up with. Her songs always involve love which is funny because she is the first to tell you how much she “hates womance”.

She also draws and writes all day long. There isn’t a piece of paper, napkin or box in this house that doesn’t have her little etchings on them. We are also not allowed to throw any of her creations away, ever – future hoarder in our midst.

So, the other day, I find this piece of paper with her writing on both sides of it and of course, I read it. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I actually had to ask her where she copied the words from because I’m still finding it hard to believe that she wrote them on her own.

However, she insists that she did and they’re just too good not to share.

(I had a Heart. you took it right away. I needed you. then left some day. I loved you. you took me in your heart. then i saw the musical number of life.)

(why I want to be with you. I had a mix up. I loved you then I hate you now. I Left forever.)

I mean, seriously??

This kid is a gem or a future soap opera actress. Of course, I can’t help but imagine this kind of angst during the teenage years and just want to start drinking now in preparation.

But for now, I’ll enjoy her drama queeness – it’s adorable, most of the time.

The rest of the time, I sleep with one eye open.

Disclaimer: Yes, I asked if I could share this and she was cool with it, otherwise I wouldn’t have shared it. Believe me, you don’t want to mess with the wrath of this darling six year old. 

Getting Older SUCKS

2nd May 2013

Getting older can bite me.

I’m about to turn 40 this year and I’m not looking forward to it.

I’m kind of pissed about it actually.

What do I hate most about getting old?

  • I get ma’am’d a whole lot more. Really, is there anything worse than being called MA’AM in your 30s? I can only assume ma’aming me as a 40 year old will suck more. Instead, how about Miss (use this one forever) or Hey Beautiful (also with forever potential).
  • Tube tops are not necessarily the best fashion option as the girls aren’t really tube top perky anymore. RIP TubeTops and perky boobs.
  • The term COUGAR  – Seriously, the only thing worse than being ma’am’d is even being considered in the COUGAR spectrum. I would like to keep my Kitty Cat status.
  • The term MILF can also die a slow, fiery death thank you very much.
  • I feel approximately 100 years old after a late night of being out and about (also referred to as non-cougaring). Am I the only one counting down the minutes to when I get to put my pjs on.
  • I find myself constantly asking the husband what he thinks a certain pain/ache/spasm means – he’s like the less scary version of WebMD because he has no clue but spits out random answers anyway.
  • Facial hair. SCREW YOU HORMONES.
  • Everything involving hormones can repeatedly bite me.
  • I find myself asking, “who is this band/singer/young people with bad hair trying to sing” more often, and I hate myself every time I do because that is textbook old people.
  • You hear your hairdresser telling you to definitely go blonde because than the grey will just be less noticeable. I HAZ GREY HAIR???
  • Wrinkles? Those are wrinkles? Did I maybe just sleep weird on my pillow??
  • What the fresh hell is an age spot and how dare you insinuate I have one. I’m pretty sure that’s just chocolate, thank you!
  • Filling in any survey that asks you to pick your age bracket and realizing your age bracket goes all the way up to age 54. Why do you hate me, survey people?

A sense of humour, good company (all of whom need to be older than me) and many glasses of bubbly may be my only chance of surviving the arrival of the big 4-0. 

Getting old. It’s what’s for breakfast.

And lunch. 

And dinner.

Oy.

Things That Need To Be Invented ASAP

18th March 2013

I’m sitting here trying to convince myself to deal with the laundry. And then I thought, hey if only I had paid attention during math and science, (turns out we really do need that crap), I could have invented something to do it for me. Actually, I would invent many things.

  1. Laundry that puts itself away. Obviously.
  2. Starbucks Delivery with 24 hrs/day availability.
  3. Along the same vein – Caffeine IVs. #pun intended
  4. The invisible punch – for those you want to punch from afar and without consequence.
  5. Cute pets that eat dust bunnies to survive.
  6. Ice cream that doesn’t melt.
  7. Dogs that don’t poop.
  8. Dog poop that cannot be stepped on.
  9. The elusive money tree.
  10. The pillow that is always cold – no need to ever flip it over.
  11. Doctors that see you on time.
  12. Instant lobotomies – for those who need instant lobotomies.
  13. The Cardigan Club – A new cardigan at your door, every month. Seriously, this one could ACTUALLY happen.
  14. The Man Cold Bubble for when the man has a cold and you just don’t want to deal with that shit.
  15. Sons of Anarchy in 3D, but only when Jax is on screen, and only if he’s shirtless/pantless/all of the above.

What am I missing?

My Five Favorite TV Dudes

14th March 2013

1. SCHMIDT

If you don’t know who Schmidt is, then you need to sit down and watch some New Girl episodes. He’s an adorable snob, a funny but odd ladies’ man and the reason the Douchebag Jar was created.

Favorite Schmidtisms:

“Dammit! Been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It’s like a taffy pole on a hot summer’s day.”

“Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!”

“You are a gynecologist and a lesbian. This makes you a vagenius.”

“I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’.”

2. RON SWANSON

Parks and Recreation is my favorite show and I have a total crush on Ron Swanson – I love him intensely. He’s weird, permanently grumpy, and hilariously honest. Also, the man loves his meat.

Favorite quotes:

“The next thing you’ll want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.”

“There’s been a mistake. You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.”

“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”

3. LOUIS LITT

Suits is a relatively new show I’ve discovered via the husband and it is fantastic. It’s based in a law firm and Louis Litt is one of the lawyers. He’s kind of a jerk, and a total weirdo but he’s really just a big, odd teddy bear who really loves his cat. He’s also very funny and that always wins out. You need to see him in action to fully appreciate his character.

Best Littisms:

“Somebody wants to get Litt-Up!”

“He out me’d me.”

“Files are for pussies.”

“If you were a narcissist with great hair, what would your password be?”

4. Stefon

Stefon is the funniest SNL character – hands down. It’s a shame he isn’t in every episode because Bill Hader is a genius. Also, I want him to be my best girlfriend.

Best Quotes:

“New York’s hottest club is Taste. Nightlife designer Tranny Griffith is back with the all new club that answers the question, “HUHHH? Don’t look for a bouncer, there isn’t one. Instead, the door is guarded by ten jacked homeless guys in old fashioned bathing suits.And inside is just sick, ice sculpture, winos, Gurmfs (German Smurfs), a teddy ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady with kitten play-hair, and none other than DJ Baby Bok Choy… He’s a giant 300 lbs Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses and he spins records with his little ravioli hands.”

“New York’s hottest club is TRASH. After you step through the stainless steel door to this meat-packing hot spot, you’ll be greeted by none other than Pierre, the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything – clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in – there’s no password. At the door just do the Cosby face.”

5. JAX TELLER

Jax made the top five because honestly, he is just delicious man candy. Also, he’s so damn good on Sons of Anarchy – a total scary badass one minute and a smile that will kill you dead the next.

Instead of favorite quotes, let’s stare at him a little while.

And one more for good luck (when good luck means dirty thoughts).

I think I need some alone time now.

*

So let’s hear it – who are your favorite TV men??

Questions I Probably Should Have Asked During The Dating Process

11th March 2013

In RETROSPECT, I think I forgot to ask the husband some very important questions during the dating process.

Things like:

  • Do you know what a hamper is? If so, do you know to put your dirty gitch in the hamper and not on the floor next to it?
  • After you have successfully wooed me, will you continue to spare me your gas?
  • Do you understand that buying no-name cheese should be punishable by death, or at least a punch in the junk?
  • How do you feel about your wife owning multiple handbags? How do you feel about buying said handbags?
  • You know I was kidding when I said I was “outdoorsy” right?
  • How do you feel about reality television?
  • Will you be that husband that douses every single meal with so much hot sauce that it literally burns my nostrils from across the table?
  • How do you feel about diamonds?
  • Do you promise to man handle me more often than the XBOX?
  • Can you cook, and by cook I mean, do you promise to get Chinese takeout at least twice a month?
  • How do you feel about handing over all rights to the remote control?
  • You understand I’m actually allergic to camping, right?

Retrospection is a bitch.

10 Reasons You Should Be Glad I Didn’t Blog In My 20s

7th February 2013

  • I lived at home, and the stories about my possible “death by family suffocation/obligation” would have been bountiful.
  • You would have been overwhelmed with selfies of me at church, purposefully photobombing the priest.
  • I had a perm.  AND bangs.
  • You would have heard about one of my old jobs where the boss had a toe thumb. He had lost a thumb in an accident so he had his TOE surgically removed and put on his hand, as his new thumb. ON PURPOSE. Let’s just say that every time I saw him, all I did was stare at his toe thumb. I think I lasted a month before I had to quit – toe thumb nightmares were keeping me up at night.
  • You were happily spared photo heavy posts involving the many hideous bridesmaid catastrophes I had to wear. Suck it Raw silk and dyed to match shoes!
  • Many, many pictures of me and my mom in our pjs, watching Sex in the City and giggling like hyenas.
  • You were spared regular posts titled, “OMG, we had the best time last night, but don’t tell my mom” and “Oops, I kissed a guy again but it’s ok because he was cute” and “I have a crush on one of the waiters at my family’s restaurant. Again.”
  • You would have enjoyed the lovely evolution of alcohol I would enjoy, then barely stomach, and then permanently ban. It went something like this: Wildberry coolers, Peach Schnapps, Jack Daniels, anything mint, Mike’s hard lemonade and ouzo.
  • Recipes would have included The Perfect Coke Float, and that’s it.
  • You were spared fashion posts involving what to wear with black, super wide-leg pants and why thong underwear is comfortable.  

This post was inspired by MamaKat’s writing workshop and originated from Wendi Aarons.

48 Questions

24th January 2013

I borrowed this from the lovely Elaine because she misses old school blogging and so do I. Feel free to do the same and let me that you did so I can read it too!

48 QUESTIONS:


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? 

My parents fought about what to name me – my dad wanted Maria after his mother and my mom wanted Anna after her sister, so they stuck me with both (yup, Maria is actually my middle name). Then again, if you know anything about how Greeks name their kids, you’ll know that every second person in my extended family is named Maria. Or Gus.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Last night – that fabric softener commercial was very sad.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

The only thing I handwrite these days is To Do lists, which remind me of how much laundry I have to do. Just for that reason alone, no I hate my handwriting.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

I actually hate lunch meat, however if forced to eat it, I would choose Mortadella. I’ll be honest though, I’m not sure Mortadella is actually food – it’s kind of like a squeaky/slimy edible version of soft leather I think.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Yes, I have three. Two I birthed and one I married.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Yup. I give the best presents. Also, when I blow my nose I don’t look in the kleenex, about 90% of the time. You so want to be my best friend.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

I feel like this question is accusing me of something I’m not ready to respond to.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

HELLS NO. I wouldn’t jump off a ladder onto my driveway so yeah, bungee jumping will NEVER happen.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

I hate cereal and all that it stands for.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

Nope.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

I created two human beings and birthed them out of my person so I would say so. Also, I can lug two full hampers down three flights of stairs without even blinking, so take that!

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Finally, a real food question – I loved Tin Roof as a kid, but now I’m a vanilla fan.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Their smile.

15. RED OR PINK?

Pink.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

My levels of anxiety. Also, random chin hairs are not a highlight.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

My girlfriends who all live too far away from me.

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?

When the husband talks about work, I need to make it less obvious when I fall asleep listening to him.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

Black.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

Banana bread.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

The family bird, Cookie, crazy chirping.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Apple Green.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Newborn babies.

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?

I have them, but politics bores me to tears.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

Beach house.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Hockey with my obsessed 9 year old.

27. HAIR COLOR?

Right now it’s a lovely shade of ‘haven’t highlighted it in months and look at these pretty hideous roots’.

28. EYE COLOR?

Brown.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

Yes, and am totally blind without them – can’t see past arm’s length.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

Pasta.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Anything but scary movies.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

Modern Family.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

Black

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer, although Fall is so much nicer in Canada.

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Tiramisu. Or white birthday cake with white icing.

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

Blah to this question.

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

TV.

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

Brain on Fire.

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

I don’t have one.

40. FAVORITE SOUND?

I like the sound of birds chirping outside in the very early morning hours. I also like that sizzly sound that tells you the bacon is ready.

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

Angsty 90s music like Matthew Sweet, or Concrete Blonde.

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

Greece and/or Spain. Geography is not my forte.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

I can whistle and hum at the same time. I know, right? UBER talented.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

CANADA.

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

CANADA.

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?

Grey.

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?

Dark blue

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?

It has been SO amusing.

YOUR TURN!!

Five Things That Bring Me Comfort

15th November 2012

These are the five things (ironically, they all start with C) that bring me comfort

1. CHILDREN (mine, of course)

Yes, I do bribe them to sit pretty in the pictures. Worth every penny.

2. CAFFEINE

It’s a pricey, yet necessary comfort for Mommy.

3. COOKBOOKS

Cookbooks are glorious and  you can never have too many. Seriously, if someone could convince my husband of this, I would so appreciate it.

4. COLIN

Isn’t my husband handsome?

5. CHUCKLES

I mean laughter and the funny stuff, but chuckles started with the letter C so I went with it. Nothing is better than laughter and funny stuff and laughing so hard you can’t breathe, and that always brings me comfort.

This makes me laugh:

So does this:

And everything that comes out of this guy’s mouth is perfection:

UPDATED: I had to edit my post to add a sixth – CARDIGANS!! How could I forget CARDIGANS??? Also, coincidentally cardigans starts with a C, if you hadn’t noticed.

Thanks to the lovely MamaKat for inspiring this little post.

All I Want For Mother’s Day

12th May 2012

Mother’s Day is this weekend and that means that I will be spoiled and pampered and regaled all day Sunday.

Probably not.

I’ve been married a LONG time (11+ years) and a mom for 8+ years, and I’ve learned that the secret to a happy (LASTING) marriage and life is to LOWER ONE’S EXPECTATIONS.

Now let me just say that I have what I really want for Mother’s Day:

However, I’m always open to helping the husband along with a list or a strategically placed catalog because he’s always so desperate to please me (insert sarcastic cackles here).

SO, I’ve decided to share a few ideas of what I would LOVE for Mother’s Day.

  • I would love to sleep in. I do not exist before 9 a.m.
  • I would LOVE to go out for breakfast for some Eggs Benny because, YUM.
  • I would love something from the kids that they made/drew/wrote for me. (I know I’m getting this one because they both informed me NOT to look under their beds or I would “be arrested.”)
  • Also, if you happen to be anywhere near a Roots store, best husband ever, I like this one:

Oh and look at the Links of London shiny things:

Oh and anything from Chuck works for me but look at him sparkle:

You are welcome, husband.

*

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOMS OUT THERE!!!

May you get the love, recognition and respect you all deserve!

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