What did I want to be when I grew up? I thought I was going to be a doctor.
Did I ever actually want to be a doctor?
But I was a reader as a kid. You never saw me without a book. Ever. My dad would tell me all the time, that I was going to end up being a doctor. So when he or anyone else asked what I would become, I knew my answer. Doctor.
I went through grade school and high school thinking the same thing. Doctor. But I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I hated my science classes and math classes – everything truly required to become a doctor. I just knew.
Then I got to university and decided on Sociology, but quickly made the switch to Psychology. Was I happy in either? Truly, no. I still hadn’t found my way, what I was meant to do. But I kept at it, because if anything, I’m persistent in my confusion.
Then came Anatomy 101. The first day was an ominous one. Someone had warned me to prepare myself. They knew me and they knew that I was an emotional soul. I cried at the drop of the hat. If I saw someone else suffering, the water works began. They still do.
There are many things about me that people don’t know. But one thing is for sure – I cannot stand to see people suffering. I am not that person who can talk about things like serious illness or loss or suffering, in a matter of fact way. The truth is I am the exact opposite of that, especially since having children.
So you can imagine how I felt as I stood in that anatomy room with the other 19 year olds, terrified of the moment the prof would open that table to show us our first cadaver. I’m sure some people saw what they were “supposed” to see – a learning tool. All I saw was someone’s family member. It took everything in me not to pass out. Thankfully, it was the cocky loud-mouthed idiot in front of me that hit the floor. The next day, I came in and there were severed arms on each of the desks – that was the last time I went back.
So, yeah, the doctor thing ended quickly.
I ended up getting a Psychology/Health Degree from my University, and on graduation day, I was in the exact same spot I was on the first day I started. I had NO idea what I wanted to be when I grew up.
After I finished my three year Human Resources Management Diploma, I still had no idea. I could tell you that I was bored to tears with anything HR related.
I worked in every arena, including sales, retail, the food industry (the family business), administration, and project management, and still I never found it. Don’t get me wrong, I loved working and being productive, often having two jobs even though I lived at home.
I envied those people who knew what they wanted to be and what they wanted to do with their lives, from day one it seems. I envied those people that knew how to make it happen and eventually did. I didn’t envy the person, but more their ability to know themselves, and to find their way.
So here I am, years later, two kiddies and a husband and a stay-at-home mom in the same spot I was years ago. My 3 year old is about to start Junior Kindergarten in September, and this stay-at-home will find herself with some free time on her hands. People ask me if I’m going to go back to work when both kids will be in school full time, and I have no idea how to answer. Its been years since I’ve worked – I have no idea what I would do. What I can do. What I truly WANT to do.
I know what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to work retail. I don’t want to be in sales. I don’t want to be bored to tears. You see, the options are dwindeling as I write this sentence. I have no idea.
If I could go back, what would I have done differently? As I’ve said so many times before, my true love is books. I would have done anything that involves books. I would have gone into Library Science to become a librarian. I would have taken a job, any job, with a publisher. Anything to be involved in the book industry.
What’s holding me back?
I have a lot of things working against me. I live in a small city. I’m old. I have no idea if it’s even possible.
My parents, my friends, my husband tell me to write a book – with all the things swirling in my end, surely I could write something that people would want to read.
If only it was so easy.
So what do I want to be when I grow up?
I have no idea.