Tag Archives: oprah

The End of My Oprah

21st April 2011

As of today, there are only 26 Oprah shows left.

26!!!!

WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

Don’t leave me Oprah.

The ugly cry, caused almost daily by your show, is really good for the soul – also my pores.

I love you, despite the fact that you never answered or replied to any of my emails or letters. I’m not sure how many I’ve sent you over the years – five? ten? – seriously, no idea.

I forgive you.

I love you despite the fact that I dreamed about being in the studio audience for years, but could never come up with something interesting enough to warrant it.

I still forgive you.

It’s me, not you.

I’m just not that person.

I don’t have an unbelievable/amazing/life-changing story to tell. I would never be willing to get sized for the right bra size in front of millions, and I’m pretty sure I’m not a Travolta.

Had you had a show about First Generation Greek Canadians who feel torn living life as a Canadian vs. life as a Greek, I could have totally aced it.

Had you had a show about what it’s like to live among dust bunnies the size of a small toddler despite the fact that I am NOT a hoarder, I would have been your girl.

Had you had a show about a SAHM who has an unhealthy attachment to Colin Firth, cardigans and caffeine? It would have been a ratings MONSTER!!

It’s ok. You’ve been busy.

And even though I sob like a baby every time I hear Paul Simon sing, “TWENTY FIVE YEARS HAVE COME AND GONE”,

I FORGIVE YOU!!!

The whole quitting after 25 years?

That’s gonna take me a while.

FUNK

16th March 2011

Yes, I meant to say FUNK.

You are a dirty person for thinking otherwise. (Please note: I likes you anyway)

I am in the nastiest funk right now.

Can’t shake it no matter how hard I try.

The smallest thing aggravates the crap out of me – the Tivo being disconnected, messy floors, the mailman being late. Seriously, nothing and no one is safe from my bitchy wrath.

I need a funk specialist asap. I wonder if Oprah has one of those – she has everything else, so she probably has several.

I bet she has a shitload of cardigans too.

Damn you Oprah!

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