Tag Archives: SNL

My Five Favorite TV Dudes

14th March 2013

1. SCHMIDT

If you don’t know who Schmidt is, then you need to sit down and watch some New Girl episodes. He’s an adorable snob, a funny but odd ladies’ man and the reason the Douchebag Jar was created.

Favorite Schmidtisms:

“Dammit! Been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It’s like a taffy pole on a hot summer’s day.”

“Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!”

“You are a gynecologist and a lesbian. This makes you a vagenius.”

“I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’.”

2. RON SWANSON

Parks and Recreation is my favorite show and I have a total crush on Ron Swanson – I love him intensely. He’s weird, permanently grumpy, and hilariously honest. Also, the man loves his meat.

Favorite quotes:

“The next thing you’ll want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.”

“There’s been a mistake. You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.”

“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

“Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.”

3. LOUIS LITT

Suits is a relatively new show I’ve discovered via the husband and it is fantastic. It’s based in a law firm and Louis Litt is one of the lawyers. He’s kind of a jerk, and a total weirdo but he’s really just a big, odd teddy bear who really loves his cat. He’s also very funny and that always wins out. You need to see him in action to fully appreciate his character.

Best Littisms:

“Somebody wants to get Litt-Up!”

“He out me’d me.”

“Files are for pussies.”

“If you were a narcissist with great hair, what would your password be?”

4. Stefon

Stefon is the funniest SNL character – hands down. It’s a shame he isn’t in every episode because Bill Hader is a genius. Also, I want him to be my best girlfriend.

Best Quotes:

“New York’s hottest club is Taste. Nightlife designer Tranny Griffith is back with the all new club that answers the question, “HUHHH? Don’t look for a bouncer, there isn’t one. Instead, the door is guarded by ten jacked homeless guys in old fashioned bathing suits.And inside is just sick, ice sculpture, winos, Gurmfs (German Smurfs), a teddy ruxpin wearing mascara, an old lady with kitten play-hair, and none other than DJ Baby Bok Choy… He’s a giant 300 lbs Chinese baby who wears tinted aviator glasses and he spins records with his little ravioli hands.”

“New York’s hottest club is TRASH. After you step through the stainless steel door to this meat-packing hot spot, you’ll be greeted by none other than Pierre, the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything – clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in – there’s no password. At the door just do the Cosby face.”

5. JAX TELLER

Jax made the top five because honestly, he is just delicious man candy. Also, he’s so damn good on Sons of Anarchy – a total scary badass one minute and a smile that will kill you dead the next.

Instead of favorite quotes, let’s stare at him a little while.

And one more for good luck (when good luck means dirty thoughts).

I think I need some alone time now.

*

So let’s hear it – who are your favorite TV men??

SNL’s Seth Meyers On The Breast-Feeding Time Cover

14th May 2012

I watched SNL on the weekend and sure enough Weekend Update was one of the funniest segments of the show.

Not surprisingly, Seth Meyers brought up the Time magazine cover that everyone is talking about right now, during his “Really?!?” segment.

Thanks to my Tivo, here’s what was said (I would have loved to add the video but I was blocked by YouTube. If you’re in the U.S., you can find it on Hulu).

This week Time Magazine created a controversy with a cover story of attachment parenting that used this photo (shows cover), which brings us to a segment we like to call, REALLY!?!

Really, Time Magazine? THIS is the image you went with for Mother’s Day? Look I have nothing against breastfeeding, but there are more appropriate places to breastfeed your kid than the cover of Time magazine. For example, page three of Time Magazine, or you know, not in a magazine at all, I mean really. And look, it’s not the act that bothers me, it’s this photo. When I first glanced at the cover I didn’t think, oh it’s a mom breastfeeding her kid, I thought, did the kid from Modern Family sexually assault his yoga instructor. Really, this photo doesn’t say I’m a loving mother feeding my son, it says I’m the crazy queen from Game of Thrones, I mean really.

And really, Mom, what’s with your expression? You couldn’t do a smile, you had to go with Blue Steel? Really? And really, this poor kid and the expression on his face looked like someone just flipped on the bedroom lights, “Oh Bob, you’re back from your business trip, it’s uh not what it looks like, uh, I assure you it’s not what it looks like.” And really, what’s with the camouflage pants? You do realize there’s not enough camouflage in the world to hide from the blow back this kid is going to experience. Also, I’m going to warn you now kid, when you get older, I got a feeling your mom isn’t going to like any of your girlfriends, really. And there’s still like a 95% chance you’re going to end up co-managing a motel with her skeleton. Really.

Look, we all have to deal with a little hassle on Mother’s Day, but when that lady’s your mom, every day is going to be Mother’s Day. And Time, don’t get me wrong, I understand you have to do what it takes to sell magazines and it’s a good cover, but if you wanted a great cover, you would have photoshopped out the chair. I mean, really.

Did you watch? What did you think?

Call Your Girlfriend – Robyn & SNL Videos

30th April 2012

I love Robyn.

She’s different, which is what I like about her.

Some people might consider her weird (I love her), but at least weird is not boring.

The girl can sing and she can dance.

I can’t remember when I discovered her, but I kind of fell for her when I watched her dance to her song Call Your Girlfriend in her video.

The video is shot in one take – that makes it pure awesome.

Then this past weekend, I discovered that SNL’s Taran Killam recreated the video in this tiny room at 4:30 a.m. at SNL offices.

It is priceless – He’s almost perfectly in sync with her video, and he has the best furry jacket on that I’ve ever seen.

I’ve never wanted to work at SNL more than after I watched this video. Best job ever.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, you can watch a side-by-side comparison, and you’re welcome.

Tina Fey’s Mother’s Prayer for its Daughter

31st May 2011

I adore Tina Fey – Greek girls REPRESENT!!

Her new book, BossyPants, is hilarious – and if you haven’t read this letter to her daughter yet, you are missing out.

The Mother’s Prayer for its Daughter

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered,

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock N’ Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,

For Childhood is short — a Tiger Flower blooming

Magenta for one day —

And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.

“My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me. And she will forget.

But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...